Best 414 quotes of Demetri Martin on MyQuotes

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'