Best 414 quotes of Demetri Martin on MyQuotes

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year left. Just do it." I had a full scholarship so I didn't have to pay for it. They asked, "Why don't you just get the degree so you can have it?" And I said, "You don't understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it's dumb to waste any more time.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.