Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?" "I hope not," I said. "You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---" "And my thoughts are often abrasive." "Exactly." "I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave." "If you would.

People of understanding, pursue peace.

People said, 'go over his head' I went through his pockets, he wasn't expecting that!!

People take power trips at the most inopportune times.

People think I am younger then I really am, because I act so immature.

People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.

People were good at imagining hells, and some they occupied while they were alive.

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.

People who think animals have expressionless faces are like people who can ignore an open package of Oreos. Not quite human.

Percival pinched his lips, sending his laugh to his eyes.

Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what I wanted was the cigarette.

Perhaps the best thing for the princess would have been to fall in love. But how a princess who had no gravity could fall into anything is a difficulty–perhaps the difficulty.

Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If so, let's roll. I'm ready. My toaster will never be the boss of me. Get ready to make me some Pop-Tarts, bitch.

phase two of Operation Fish and CHIPs (Clean House of the Idiot Piranhas)

Passion + Vision +Skill + Mentoring = Success.

Play and be happy.

Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.

... pogledala ga je pogledom Crvenkapice koja je upravo shvatila da joj je vuk pojeo baku...

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not -- and decides to take offence.

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep.

Poisons are more my thing

...pokupio se, kao s loše predstave, s jastukom u ruci i zaspao na kauču u dnevnom boravku.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

Popcorn and I have a long love affair, never candy. Once in awhile, a soda, but always and forever, no matter the venue, or film, I grab popcorn. Usually minus the butter.

Possession of the box conferred a kind of power on the wielder--which was that anyone, confronted with the hypnotic glass eye, would submissively obey the most peremptory orders about stance and expression.

Pray GOD by HEART, Not by HABIT.

Pray, what's the nature of his trouble?" Prudence asked solicitously. "Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from whom he has expectations has rallied, and they say she'll last another ten years. Poor old Devereux, y'know! Must try and raise his spirits.

Prepare for a radio, for nothing is silent like the grave

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

Pretty?' I said, swivelling in the driver's seat to face him, 'you want to ask me out because I'm pretty?' 'Is there a problem with asking you out because you're pretty?' 'I think you blew it,' said Tiger with a grin. 'You should be asking her out because she's smart, witty, mature beyond her years and every moment in her company makes you want to be a better person - pretty of face should be at the bottom of the list.' 'Oh, blast,' said Perkins despondently. 'It should, shouldn't it?

Princess. By S. Morgenstern. It's a kids' classic. Tell him I'll quiz him on it when I'm back next week and that he doesn't have to like it or anything, but if he doesn't, tell him I'll kill myself. Give him that message exactly please; I wouldn't want to apply any extra pressure or anything.

Probably your biggest mistake was doing funk-dance to Unchained Melody,” the dog offered earnestly. “It’s a ballad, Alf, and to be honest, it’s one of the slowest songs I can think of. You’d have been better off doing a slow waltz to something with that tempo. The other factor may have been the large amount of beer you consumed beforehand.

Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies.

Piter: Ah-ah, Baron! Is it not regrettable you were unable to devise this delicious scheme by yourself? Baron: Someday I will have you strangled, Piter. Piter: Of a certainty, Baron. Enfin! But a kind act is never lost, eh? Baron: Have you been chewing verite or semuta, Piter?

Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying

- Pieprzyłaś się z nim, tak? - Musisz być taka wulgarna? - Oj, zapomniałam, że ty podczas stosunku zawsze słyszysz dźwięki kwartetu skrzypcowego w tle. Nie chciałabym zagłuszyć skrzypiec, ale lepiej żebyś zbudziła się z tych marzeń.

Quadruple crap. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why did he have this effect on me? “Are you compelling me right now?” To my surprise, his smile held an edge of sadness. “That would give you a much needed excuse, but I am afraid I am not.” Curse my body for reacting to his. As long as I kept him out of my heart, I would be okay. “I think it a bit too late for that, my dear.” “You’re using old man speak again.” I made a face. “It’s creepy.” He chuckled. “I’ll try to remember that, but I haven’t been around humans much in the past hundred years. It’s hard to keep up with the changes in common dialect.” “Let’s keep on topic, Jett. You were going to teach me how to control my mind.

Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer? A: Explaining what that is.

Put it on your forehead and you'll feel better in no time!

Putting the brakes on is not an easy thing for a vamp to do. It's kind of like a shark trying to stop a feeding frenzy, or that old potato chip slogan: "Bet you can't eat just one.

¿Qué pasa con los lugares encantados y los cementerios indios? ¿Es que la gente no ve películas de horror?

Quest assignments are never wrong.

Quite amazing, isn’t it, Mister Lipwig?’ he said cheerfully through the smoke. ‘Though isn’t it a pity that they can only run on rails? I can’t imagine what the world would be like if everyone had their own steam locomotive. Abominable.

Q: When did you realize you wanted to be a writer? A: I hate this question, because the answer makes me look like a jerk. The answer exposes me as a jerk. But here it is: the first time I read Twilight, I thought to myself, "If this chick can write a book, then you can!" One day, Stephanie Meyer is going to give me a bloody nose. I accept that like I accept that I will one day get wrinkles. To Stephanie Meyer: Could you come at me from the right side? That side of my face could use adjusting...

Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he'd been in Quentin--one of the few he hadn't read. "It's a novel, Grandpa. ENDER'S GAME by a man named Card. Orson Card," and she continued reading through the first page until he interrupted her again. "I just got out of the hospital--I don't want to hear a story about people having operations." "Well, what DO you want? LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE? "At least I'd learn something useful.

Realism is criminal.

Real men don't make salad

Real life... Witches: Wiccan practitioners. Werewolves: rare strain of rabies. Zombies: Prions/Plague. Vampires: Hemophilia/Porphyria

Regarding C, without a doubt, I can say that a compiler of it has been written for any hardware architecture ever created. I will not be surprised if alien spaceships had their own C compiler on board.