Best 239 quotes in «funny humor quotes» category

After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

All nuts sit on their butts - do you?

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.

A rascal at any age is a rogue. Till the time he dies of old age.

Are there days when you find life terribly confusing? Only when I have a girlfriend.

All my firends are like 'Can you be on my side in the zombie apacalypse?' And i'm like 'I got this.

An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.

...and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side...

Basilard, can you cover our trail?” Basilard rubbed his head dubiously. Maldynado, Books, and Akstyr leave trail like marching army.

Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell.

Bildon killed Tad. Look, there’s his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There’s the proof,” he screamed. “It’s in the pudding.” What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating.

As far as you know, and that is not near enough, this is the only life given to you. So, do not screw it up. Do your bit, without harming others. That's godly enough. Just do not dump your shit, especially the religious kind, on others. Thank you.

Believe you me, I love all - just not people.

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.

By dog! I love you, and your hate spewing god. How became so both of you, dog?

But he saw a rare determination in Haley's eyes. I can trust Haley's judgement, he told himself, even as he remembered how Haley had eaten that cheddar with the mold growing on it two weeks before. Cheese and people are not the same.

Care to explain?” Ari asked. “Didn’t you see my signals?” “Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.” “It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.” “That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal. “That’s what I did.” “No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.” “I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.” -Janco and Ari bickering

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Checked thoroughly, humans stink.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Breathe! Breathe! I urged Lily. You can do this naturally. Fuck that. I want my epidural as soon as we get there.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you’d sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?

Dogs are angels full of poop.

Don't worry. Life goes on. With or without you. So, live it, while it's given you.

Do you sleep in a coffin?” Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny. “Of course not,” he laughs loudly. “I sleep in a bed.” A pause. “Would you like to see it?

Dear lord, the flash of his gleaming white teeth was like a hot button to my nether regions. Down vagina! Down, girl.” Bad Rep by A. Meredith Walters

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

During these mad dashes to the wall phone in the kitchen she hadn't time to fall but with fantastical grace and dexterity wrenched herself upright in midfall and continued running (dogs whimpering, yapping hysterically in her wake, cats scattering wide-eyed and plume-tailed) before the telephone ceased it's querulous ringing--though frequently she was greeted with nothing more than a derisive dial tone, in any case.

Even betting against myself, I could always find a way to lose.

Elle hugged Amo’s side, then she leaned up as high as she could and kissed him on the cheek, barely making it. “Thanks.” 　　Elle ran off into the classroom to go be with her best friend. She couldn’t be happier 　　Nero couldn’t be more pissed. He didn’t understand how Amo could get a fucking thank you without asking. How he could get a kiss without asking. How come she never throws herself at me for a hug? I want a fucking hug.

Everything is going as planned until I notice that Ashley has barely touched her wine glass or food after ordering the priciest bottle and several of the most expensive dishes on the menu. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Evolution could be true. Apes lick their nuts. Religious nuts do too.

Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.

Every religious nut must have his or her say, condemning the infidels to hell, every which way. But then so should those opposing them, lampooning these nutcases as they choose, or as they may.

For once Yancy didn't mind driving to Miami. Dr. Rosa Campesino had agreed to meet for lunch. On the Eighteen-Mile Stretch he got stuck behind a minivan with a CHOOSE LIFE bumper sticker. "Choose the accelerator! How's that for starters?" Yancy was shouting, pounding on the horn.

Face Book keeps asking me to complete my relationship status; I doubt it has the soul of a gossip magazine column's starving journalist.

Frankly, and factually - people are just screwed up. Am I? Perhaps as much as you, more or less. But not that much as religious nuts. Thank God, I am just nuts.

Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs.

Gotta be more specific sunshine." He winked at me before starting another. "You might want to get that eye problem checked out. One might mistaken it for flirting.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Gabriel cocked his head to the side. “Is that what happened in her last life too? You just accidentally touched Scarlet enough to set the lifeforce transition into motion? God! How much touching did you do?” Tristan narrowed his eyes. “What do you want, like a scale of one to ten?

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

He was fucking with us pretty hard in the saferoom,” Sandra called from the front of the plane’s undercarriage. “Aw, Sandy, that wasn’t fucking,” Simon said. “That was just, I don’t know, really obnoxious foreplay or something.

Happy New Year! May we all stop being the assholes we were the past year.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!