Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

Minds me of a story they tell about Willy Feeley when he was a young fella. Willy was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Ever'body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turnin' red an' he couldn't even talk. Elsie says, 'I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn.' Well, they took the heifer out there an' Willy an' Elsie sat on the fence to watch. Purty soon Willy got feelin' purty fly. Elsie looks over an' says, like she don't know, 'What's a matter, Willy?' Willy's so randy, he can't hardly set still. 'By God,' he says, 'by God, I wisht I was a-doin' that!' Elsie says, 'Why not, WIlly? It's your heifer.

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

[...] Mom’s not keeping me out because it’s a dead friend, she’s keeping me out because it’s a dead sixteen-year-old girl with no clothes on’ ‘And that’s officially the creepiest thing you’ve ever said,’ said Lauren. She stopped typing, and then grimaced and shivered, like she’d just eaten something disgusting. ‘Seriously – yuck.’ I smiled. ‘I’ve got a live girlfriend – what do I need a dead one for?’ […] Lauren folded her arms. ‘How do I know you’re not just trying to get her out of the house for your own nefarious purposes?’ I smiled. ‘What kind of trouble am I going to get into? The dead girl doesn’t get here until tomorrow.

Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.

Most nobodies are somebodies and most somebodies are nobodies somewhere.

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.

Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get "face-to-face" with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts. And he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words: "Good chum.

Nicolas Cage is the best for taking the role of character Joker. He is pretty damn good at jokes!

Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Now you are laughing aren't you?? You just came from holiday (AS for me I don't really give a shit from holiday, from walk with friends or whatever..) You are thinking about the one fat guy and you think that you are perfect. - If you are perfect you won't be here transcend people don't have what to achieve they know and they will continue to know everything, it's useless! You have health problems, am I right? You have some buds on places which nobody wants to talk, you think that you are a bigger as a personality - but you smoke (Don't you?? You try to stop it, but again the cigarettes say "Smoke one you will be better, smoke another one you will go to heaven..." - this goes to endless does it?? You drink Alcohol - don't ya? I don't have words take a look at yourself you drink for what??? For confidence... oh my god you are fuck fagot aren't you?? You smoke, but why I know that chimneys smoke, but you?? Are you chimney, it's a joke! :D :D

Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?" "No," Kyra said. "Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing. Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.

Old Tom giggled, "Fooled ya, huh, Ma? We aimed to fool ya, and we done it. Jus' stood there like a hammered sheep. Wisht Grampa'd been here to see. Looked like somebody'd beat ya between the eyes with a sledge. Grampa would a whacked 'imself so hard he'd a throwed his hip out–like he done when he seen Al take a shot at that grea' big airship the army got. Tommy, it come over one day, half a mile big, an' Al gets the thirty-thirty and blazes away at her. Grampa yells, 'Don't shoot no fledglin's, Al; wait till a growed-up one goes over,' an' then he whacked 'imself an' throwed his hip out.

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he'd customized it. Painted pink with purple stripes, the younger male could often be found cruising up and down the streets of Wolf Town, with his terrible music blaring out of the windows. The car was a ticking time bomb. Already, more than one werewolf had offered to blow it up. Orlando better enjoy it, Connor doubted he would have it for very much longer.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

People like Jim [a defender of punch-down rape jokes] desperately want to believe that the engines of injustice run on outsized hate—stranger rapes in dark alleys, burning crosses and white hoods—but the reality is that indifference, bureaucracy, and closed-door snickers are far more plentiful fuels.

Per se, a prank is meant to thank. Rethink and thank the soft spank. And fill in the blank, Not even over drank, Knelt when they made you walk the plank.

Rape humor is designed to remind women that they are still not quite equal. Just as their bodies and reproductive freedom are open to legislation and public discourse, so are their other issues. When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are “sensitive” and branded as “feminist,” a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for “woman who does not tolerate bullshit.” Perhaps rape jokes are funny, but I cannot fathom how. Humor is subjective, but is it that subjective? I don’t have it in me to find rape jokes funny or to tolerate them in any way. It’s too close a topic. Rape is many things—humiliating, degrading, physically and emotionally painful, exhausting, irritating, and sometimes, it is even banal. It is rarely funny for most women. There are not enough years in this lifetime to create the kind of distance where I could laugh and say, “That one time when I was gang-raped was totally hilarious, a real laugh riot.

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

Say,' I said. "What brings you out here at this hour of the morning, for a thing like this?" 'The bus,' he said.

Security has a report of an unattended fainting goat that is loose in the building as well, sir' ''A, What?'' I Snap. 'A fainting goat' ''How do you know it faints?'' 'Guests continue to report a dead goat. Surveillance footage shows that it's just fainting' ''What a relief'' Dec says. ''Because a fainting goat is so much better than a dead one'' he turns to me 'When did your suite become a petting zoo?' ''Shut up

Second star to the right-" "-and straight on till morning? Yeah, I've heard that one before. Lit of the Ancient Homeworlds 101....

Seinfeld was typically American in that show. He was a pretty funny guy, but he had no sense of style. Tacky like a Texan tux. Tasteless dressing and tasteful jokes. That's Seinfeld for me. I would have preferred it the other way around.

She points to where he went and looks to the neutral Baumen. “He—he did that to me on purpose! He’s insane. Literally, insane!” The munchkin just shrugs. “Welcome aboard!” and returns unconcerned to his work.

She's joking, of course, but as with all the best jokes, it contains more than a grain of truth

She was spontaneously created by the midichlorians,' I said. Both women gave me blank looks. 'Never mind.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Some jokes are stupid and useless, if you can't get it. It's to stupid to go in it, but whatever! - Make your choice!

Some jokes are less agreeable than others

Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.

Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

Mom, how come you never go outside?" "I told you, I'm a vampire.

Not everyone gets jokes. But to many jokes in one time are never good idea!

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Now that I had assigned myself an act without jokes, I gave myself a rule. Never let them know I was bombing

Ok, this farmer is driving down the road in his truck and he comes to a state cop in the middle of the road with the blue flashing and everything, and the farmer asks, What's the problem, Officer? The cop looks worried and nods on ahead where this pig is sitting right in the middle of the road-big damn pig- and the cop says, Got a problem with this pig in the road. So the farmer says, Hmmm. And the cop says, Hey I got an idea, Why don't we load this pig into your truck and then you take him to the zoo? And the farmer says, Well, I reckon we could do that. So they load they pig into the farmer's truck and off the farmer drives and that's that. So the next day the cop is out there on the road again because that is his usual speed trap, and who do you think drives by? The farmer--and sitting right next to him in the cab is the pig. And the pig's wearing a baseball hat! The farmer and the pig just go cruising by. So the cop shakes off the unreality of the whole situation, fires up the blue flashing light and sirens and gets scratch in 3 gears tearing out after the farmer, and caught up pretty soon and pulls the farmer over and walks up to the truck. The farmer looks real casual and says, Yessir. The cop says, Hey, I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo! And the farmer says, I did! We had a good time, too, so today I thought we'd go to the ball game. HA! HA! HA!

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

On Humor – When a woman says a man has a sense of humor, she means that he has a way of lightening her mood and brightening her spirits. When a man says a woman has a sense of humor, he means that she laughs at his jokes.

Please leave my computer alone.. The only cookies I want to get are the ones I can eat.

Promises are like silly jokes, told around a table when the food is good and no one has anything to lose by telling a lie or two - lies should have been a synonym for the word 'promise' in dictionaries, but only a few people knew it.