Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

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    What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

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    When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.

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    When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

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    What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke?

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    When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

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    When you cannot joke about the darkness of life, that’s when the darkness takes over.

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    When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

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    What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up.

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    When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it's going to be.

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    When you put yourself in environments that continually test you, that's where all the good stories come from. That's where the jokes come from is from the shitty parts.

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    When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt of the joke.

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    Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

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    Why are you making a joke out of this?" she asks. "Because it's stupid, Nik. There's not even room in my day to think about someone else.

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    You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

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    Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes.

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    You can't just explain a joke. Either it isn't funny, or the person just totally missed the punchline.

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    You don't make stupid jokes in art.

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    Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

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    You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.

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    You do not respond to an attempt on your life with a slap on the hand. Or a joke.

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    You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

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    You have to make a joke every 10–15 minutes. It’s a way of keeping up morale.

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    You know, OK, I made a few jokes - and they killed 3000 Americans. Fair trade.

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    You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

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    You learn to kid around and joke and not take things too seriously because somehow its all gonna work out for the best - or you're gonna make it work out

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    You make a joke out of everything. Life’s too painful not to.

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    You never know when you'll have a bad idea for a worse joke.

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    You're basically on set to help the production. You're helping the actors make it make sense, or maybe you wrote something that doesn't work in the production sense. Most of it is coming up with jokes.

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    You shouldn't make jokes if it makes you so unhappy.

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    You get sick of jokes, you know. Either I do them on TV, and then you worry, like, "Oh, everyone's gonna see it," so you chuck it, or you just get sick of saying it. After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

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    You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

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    After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

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    ...[A] good laugh is a mighty good thing, and rather too scarce a good thing... So if any one man, in his own proper person, afford stuff for a good joke to anybody, let him not be backward, but let him cheerfully allow himself to spend and be spent in that way.

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    A hero is smiling at the moment another hero is telling jokes.

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    A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes aren’t funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

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    A joke is a question of mind over manner.

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    All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

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    You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

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    You've really got to start hitting the books because it's no joke out here.

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    And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.

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    And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he’ll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that.

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    And so the twins had remained virgins. Julia and Valentina watched all of their high school and college friends disappear one by one into the adult world of sex, until they were the only people they knew who lingered in the world of the uninitiated. "What was it like?" they asked each friend. The answers were vague. Sex was a private joke: you had to be there.

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    ...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.

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    An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

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    A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight. "Sure," said the farmer, "My wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they're off to college, and I'm all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up." Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway. The farmer called after him, "Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room." "I heard you," said the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke.

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    Always. There is always time for jokes. As my father would say, humour is the spark that lights every dark.

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    Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

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    At age 6 I was born without a face.

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    A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

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    Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.