Best 199 quotes in «funny but true quotes» category

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    I never lie to myself. If at times I'm an asshole, then, I admit to myself I've been so. This is how brutally truthful I am with myself. Only those who're assholes lie to themselves. Therefore, I am who I am - just a human. But of course, with an ass hole.

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    Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

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    Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

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    Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

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    i realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl...because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol

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    I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

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    Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

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    It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off.

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    It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

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    It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

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    I was about to speak when the maître d’hôtel advanced on our table. He showed me the wine label, all smiles as if showing me a photo of his only son. I nodded. He unscrewed the cork with a pleasant pop, then poured out a small mouthful in my glass. It tasted like the price of the entire dinner.

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    It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm.

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    It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.

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    It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it.

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    I would die for you, my love—in old age.

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    Life gave me lemons, then I met you and you had Vodka. Now my life is a party.

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    Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Don't, and the world laughs at you.

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    Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

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    Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

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    Life's disappointments are harder to take if you don't know any swear words.

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    Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.

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    Men have a kind of... well, an 'eel' on them... It isn't an eel really, but pretending it's an eel makes things so much easier. Here's the thing: this eel spends its entire life trying to find a home, and what do you think women have inside them? Caves, where the eels like to live. You may not know this about eels, but they're quite territorial. When they find a cave they like, they wriggle around inside it for awhile to be sure that... well to be sure it's a nice cave, I suppose. And when they've made up their minds that it's comfortable, they mark the cave as their territory, by spitting. Men like doing this very much. There are even men who do little in their lives besides search for different caves to let their eels live in.

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    Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

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    Men looove pussy. They can never get enough of it. If you send a guy a pussy pic, he's gonna think you're awesome. And he assumes you feel the same way if he sends you an unsolicited dick pic. He loves jerking off while looking at pussy, and in his mind he's certain that you must love dick pics as much as he loves pussy pics. It is such a given to him, it never even occurred to him that it might not be true. If you have a dog, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes a dog brings you his favorite toy in the whole world. And he puts it in your lap. Not because he wants you to throw it. This is not for him. This is for you. He wants you to have it. When you look at his toy, all you see is a dirty old sock, covered in crusty dried dog spit. But that's not what he sees. To him that sock is the most awesome thing in the whole world. And he is putting The Most Awesome Thing In The Whole World in your lap. Then he sits down in front of you and stares into your eyes as if to say: "This is my gift to you. May it give you the same endless hours of joy and happiness that it has given me." And that's exactly what men think when they send you a dick pic.

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    Me encanta que los franceses le echen chocolate a todo. Es como si tuvieran el mejor tic nervioso del mundo

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    Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart.

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    Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

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    Nick snorted. “Fine. Whatever. We’ve got to find him. If for no other reason, we don’t need him to do something that could out himself in public.” “Yeah,” Caleb said sarcastically. “They have laws against exposing yourself in public.

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    Never point out to a man the ways in which you think you're ugly. You don't want him to start agreeing with you. ~Jenny's mom in Bossed

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    Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

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    No," said the cat. "Now, you people have names. That's because you don't know who you are. We know who we are, so we don't need names.

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    Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

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    Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning.

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    Nothing," she said, "upsets me more than being hungry; I snarl and snap and burst into tears.

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    NOTHING TO DO BUT ALWAYS BUSY

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    Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.

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    On a supra human level, yeah, I got That Which Is. Yet on a simple human level, rare are times when either my left or my right foot is not in some kind of shit.

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    Owning a gun proves "In God we trust" is a lie. If you actually trusted in God, you wouldn't feel like you need a gun.

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    People are either silly asses, or ass*oles. Mostly, just silly ass*oles. Choose! Hard place, or hell hole!

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    People who have absolutely nothing interesting or unique to say think writing a book will make them interesting. They think when they tell people "I'm a writer" it sounds cooler than if they say "I clean houses for a living.

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    Please respect my ism, though I have none. I too will stay away from your crap. Surely it's fair play. Both of us should be okay with this. Or are you not?

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    Really, you're not to blame. It is such a shame that your imaginary pal, your god is but a hateful, intolerant, misogynistic sod, akin the vilest of humans. So, per se it is not your fault. You're just a simple fellow following a distasteful simpleton. You're just being Him.

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    Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.

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    said "let's send that fuckin' Flowers up there. He hasn't done anything for us lately." "He's off today," somebody said. Davenport said, "So what?

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    Selective hearing...typical male. Maybe he was human after all...

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    She was supportive, didn’t pry or expect anything from me, and sensed when I needed my space. If she were a guy, I’d probably date her. Or, if I were a lesbian. And if she were a lesbian. I guess we’d both have to be lesbians for that to work. Regardless, she made a pretty great friend.

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    Some people looove to feel offended because it makes them feel important. When your only tool is a hammer, suddenly every problem starts to look like a nail. And when the only time you feel relevant is when you claim to be offended, suddenly everything looks offensive.

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    Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is as boring as shit.

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    Stop calling yourself an authoress. You sound like an idiotess.

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    Sure, I said. But some people would ask, 'How can you expect others to replicate what you're doing here?' What would be your answer to that? He turned back and , smiling sweetly, said, Fuck you. Then, in a stentorian voice, he corrected himself: No. I would say, 'The objective is to inculcate in the doctors and nurses the spirit to dedicate themselves to the patients, and especially to having an outcome-oriented view of TB.' He was grinning, his face alight. He looked very young just then. In other words, 'Fuck you'.