Best 199 quotes in «funny but true quotes» category

I come from a long line of miserable people.

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending.

I don't know.  I don't really like old movies.  The acting is so, 'Hey buddy, ol' pal.  Let's go wear our hats and have a big misunderstanding

If Fifty Shades is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.

If everything Fox News says about liberals were actually true, I'd hate liberals too.

If it's true that men and women can be 'just friends' then how come all cheaters first start out as 'just friends?

I cranked the volume on the stereo and sang at the top of my lungs to an old Britney Spears song, my possession and enjoyment of which, I hoped, would remain a secret between me and my car.

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late.

...if you aren't, at any given time, scandalized by code you wrote five or even three years ago, you're not learning anywhere near enough

If your believed in and imagined god or beloved self-proclaimed messiah behaves like a scoundrel, in all probability, my pal up in the sky says, you too are one such mongrel.

If your believed-in god is patently more stupid than you, and you're yet following this buffoon; you're as silly, and an idiot too.

If you're afraid to leave the house unless you're armed, you don't need a gun, you need a psychiatrist.

If you seriously believe that your imaginary guy up in the sky told you to kill people of a differing faith and religion, your illusory pal is a dickhead. And of course and therefore, analogically speaking, so are you, shithead.

if you've ever been to an old-timey museum, you've seen those silly portrait paintings that vain noblemen of by-gone eras used to plaster all over the walls of their pompous mansions. Today, thanks to social media, people can take pointless pictures and pollute the world with their dumb shit faster than ever before. Progress!

I grabbed the nearest bit of rigging and pulled as hard as I could, hoping I had the right line, or hoping I at least looked helpful while doing the wrong thing.

I hate watching people blow all operational security, and spew their guts like a teenage burglar, drunk in a bar. We're professionals, for Christ's sake, and she's just a prole.

I have only one heart to give and one mind to lose. May I someday find a woman who will take them both.

I'm having a hard time describing how to asphyxiate someone while singing Frank Sinatra's Fly Me To Moon. Now if I use the advice you kindly give me in a manner other than to write a story, well, and there ain't no sugarcoating it; you're an accessory.

I'm the one who should apologize,' he said. 'I want to help, but I know I won't be able to. I haven't go the answers to anything.' 'That's what men think, isn't it?' 'What?' 'That unless you've got some answer, unless you can say, "Oh, I know this bloke in Essex Road who can fix that for you", then it's not worth bothering.' Will shifted in his seat and didn't say anything. That was precisely what he thought; in fact, he had spent half the evening trying to think of the name of the bloke in Essex Road, metaphorically speaking.

If they weren't staring at a fellow, they were laughing at him.

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it.

I have a bad grammar, but I do have a good message in it.

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

i realize you cant just throw real gems at ppl...because they think cubic zirconia is the real thing lol

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light.

I never lie to myself. If at times I'm an asshole, then, I admit to myself I've been so. This is how brutally truthful I am with myself. Only those who're assholes lie to themselves. Therefore, I am who I am - just a human. But of course, with an ass hole.

It is not against the law to be a nincompoop. If so, I would have a rap sheet as long as my arm.

Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

I was about to speak when the maître d’hôtel advanced on our table. He showed me the wine label, all smiles as if showing me a photo of his only son. I nodded. He unscrewed the cork with a pleasant pop, then poured out a small mouthful in my glass. It tasted like the price of the entire dinner.

I would die for you, my love—in old age.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Don't, and the world laughs at you.

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off.

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.

It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it.

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

Life gave me lemons, then I met you and you had Vodka. Now my life is a party.

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

Little people make tall claims. As being this-that avatar or messiah. Some even say they're God. Well, if they are, I'm their grand-pop.

Life's disappointments are harder to take if you don't know any swear words.

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

Men have a kind of... well, an 'eel' on them... It isn't an eel really, but pretending it's an eel makes things so much easier. Here's the thing: this eel spends its entire life trying to find a home, and what do you think women have inside them? Caves, where the eels like to live. You may not know this about eels, but they're quite territorial. When they find a cave they like, they wriggle around inside it for awhile to be sure that... well to be sure it's a nice cave, I suppose. And when they've made up their minds that it's comfortable, they mark the cave as their territory, by spitting. Men like doing this very much. There are even men who do little in their lives besides search for different caves to let their eels live in.

Men looove pussy. They can never get enough of it. If you send a guy a pussy pic, he's gonna think you're awesome. And he assumes you feel the same way if he sends you an unsolicited dick pic. He loves jerking off while looking at pussy, and in his mind he's certain that you must love dick pics as much as he loves pussy pics. It is such a given to him, it never even occurred to him that it might not be true. If you have a dog, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes a dog brings you his favorite toy in the whole world. And he puts it in your lap. Not because he wants you to throw it. This is not for him. This is for you. He wants you to have it. When you look at his toy, all you see is a dirty old sock, covered in crusty dried dog spit. But that's not what he sees. To him that sock is the most awesome thing in the whole world. And he is putting The Most Awesome Thing In The Whole World in your lap. Then he sits down in front of you and stares into your eyes as if to say: "This is my gift to you. May it give you the same endless hours of joy and happiness that it has given me." And that's exactly what men think when they send you a dick pic.

Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart.