Best 243 quotes in «dark humor quotes» category

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    We don't want your fucking tots and pears.

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    We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death.

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    Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.

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    (We had one guy who killed a woman and made meatloaf out of her.) And they interviewed the guy, George, and he was like, ‘Yeah, she was a pain in the ass and I beat her and, you know, I finally cracked her over the head and she died. I didn’t know what the hell to do with her. Well, Christ, George, I mean… Couldn’t ya—give her a Viking burial or something? You didn’t have to cook the poor woman down like Martha Stewart, for God’s sake. For meatloaf. I love meatloaf. I do. But I was off it for a long time after that.

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    We’re all under the streetlamps, everyone’s the color of day-old piss. When I’m fifty, this is how I’ll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk.

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    What do you want to do now?" he asked her. "We should probably just kill ourselves," she imagined saying.

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    When I arrived the News was three years old and Ed Lotterman was on the verge of a breakdown. To hear him talk you would think he'd been sitting at the very cross-corners of the earth, seeing himself as a combination of God, Pulitzer and the Salvation Army. He often swore that if all the people who had worked for the paper in those years could appear at one time before the throne of The Almighty--if they all stood there and recited their histories and their quirks and their crimes and their deviations--there was no doubt in his mind that God himself would fall down in a swoon and tear his hair.

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    When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

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    When it started to climb between my legs, my balls and its claws only separated by a thin blanket, I sincerely considered throwing it (the cat, not my member) out of the window.

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    When Roy began to pace, smart people hid.

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    When you look for these support groups, they all have vague upbeat names. My Thursday evening group for blood parasites, it's called Free and Clear.

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    Wherever did they find you?" "At the junction of hard luck and bad times," I answer. It's something that my momma says.

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    Why am I tired of the Internet I have no friends here I write down words in my room For a thousand hours and no likes So, instead of the Internet I will make a little shop In an art gallery and tell no one In my dirty leopard coat it will be 1992 forever Burned out hamburger sign in the foreseeable distance

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    Why am I tried of the Internet I have no friends here I write down words in my room For a thousand hours and no likes So, instead of the Internet I will make a little shop In an art gallery and tell no one In my dirty leopard coat it will be 1992 forever Burned out hamburger sign in the foreseeable distance

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    Why the long face? Something happen?" "Nothing except my grandmother is still dead and my aunt moved to Sacramento and my sister just got out of a mental hospital." "Oh," Huey says. I spread my sack out, ready to load. Huey folds his handkerchief in half then in half again. I need him to check my count before I can go. "Which part of Sacramento," he says, and I shrug.

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    You are so beautiful, I could eat you,” he said. And it was true. Her smile was as intoxicating as the wine. And he could eat her.

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    -You give her a three, he said... -That three was entirely fitting, I said. It was complete garbage. Not the kind of thing I expect the students to hand in... In addition to the Second World War, I also deal with a large part of the history that came afterwards,’ I interrupted again. Korea, Vietnam, Kuwait, the Middle East and Israel, the Six-Day War, the Yom Kippur War, the Palestinians. I deal with all of that during my classes. So then you can’t expect to turn in a paper about the state of Israel in which people mostly pick oranges and dance in sandals around a campfire. Cheerful, happy people everywhere, and all that horseshit about the desert where flowers blossom again. I mean, people are shot and killed there every day, buses are blown up. What’s this all about? -She came in here crying, Paul. -I’d cry too if I turned in garbage like that.

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    You have really nice teeth,” Terry said and thought they could be excellent for his collection of human body parts.

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    What Promise of a new day does one have to ignore to laugh so early in the morning?

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    When you get to Hell look for me; I'll be sitting in the hot-tub waiting." Cate Harlow FOR I HAVE SINNED by Kristen Houghton A Cate Harlow Private Investigation due out in August, 2014

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    When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

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    Without a sense of humour one's wisdom is but a rumour.

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    Wolves eat dogs." That did seem to be the consensus of the village, Arkady thought. Roman shook his head as if he'd given the matter a lot of consideration. "Wolves hate dogs. Wolves hunt down dogs because they regard them as traitors. If you think about it, dogs are dogs only because of humans; otherwise they'd all be wolves, right? And where will we be when all the dogs are gone? It will be the end of civilization.

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    Yet it seems like the more abuse I get, the more abuse I court - baring myself more extravagantly, processing opinions that I know will draw an onslaught - because, after all, if I've already adjusted my body temperature, why not face the blizzard so that other women don't have to freeze? Paradoxical undressing, I guess.

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    You are fifty different kinds of twisted." "Only fifty? Val, you wound me.

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    You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

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    Your own politicians make our Dr. Goebbels look like a child playing with picture books in a kindergarten. They speak of morality while they douse screaming children and old women in burning napalm. Your draft-resisters are called cowards and ‘peaceniks.’ For refusing to follow orders they are either put in jails or scourged from the country. Those who demonstrate against this country's unfortunate Asian adventure are clubbed down in the streets. The GI soldiers who kill the innocent are decorated by Presidents, welcomed home from the bayoneting of children and the burning of hospitals with parades and bunting. They are given dinners, Keys to the City, free tickets to pro football games.” He toasted his glass in Todd's direction. “Only those who lose are tried as war criminals for following orders and directives.

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    You sick bastard,” she said. “Yes, I guess you could call me that." Terry replied.

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    You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

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    You know, it isn't considered necrophilia if you start when they're still alive.

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    A flat screen television lowered into view. It showed an animated Islamic documentary that focused mostly on the importance of wearing the proper attire. The final prophet was quoted often, yet absent from the feature. “If this Mohammed guy is so great, why wouldn’t they put him in the cartoon?” Kira wondered.

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    I like dark humor. My favorite movie of all time is 'Harold and Maude.'

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    A blacksmith can go anywhere. A detective inspector only goes where the dead bodies are.” “But there aren’t any dead people here today.” Mina glanced over her shoulder at the chest Newberry carried. “That’s why I brought my own.

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    After the first week I knew every line, freckle and scar on his body. Some might call it obsessive. I called it having an attention to detail. I can't help it if I'm overly observant.

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    Ah, yes- 'God is love' and all that rot. Tell me, have you ever really stopped to think about what that means? Love is cruel. Love is vicious. Love inspires people to kill, to maim, to torture. Love ruins lives, fells cities, destroys civilizations. If you ask me, love's not all it's cracked up to be. But then, you shouldn't have to ask me - you should only have to reflect on where love has gotten you." - Lilith

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    AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?” “I’m sorry, Sante. It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want Sofus playing with guns.” Conversation between George Hanson and Sante In The Shadow of Sadd

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    A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?" "Fuck you." Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close.

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    A few of the savage creatures (rabids) I could deal with, but taking on this many ventured very close to suicide. Once was enough, thanks

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    After her declaration to become a ghost, her sister had given a nervous half-laugh and said that she didn't want Adelaide to do anything to scare her. Adelaide had agreed, but said she'd move things around her home just to confuse her. And laughed too. Her husband, Simon, had told her not to be morbid and reminded her that the consultant wasn't sure. It was possible she might live.

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    Ah, 6655321, think on the divine suffering. Meditate on that, my boy.' And all the time he had this rich manny von of Scotch on him, and then he went off to his little cantora to peet some more. So I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and then the cross veshch and all that cal, and I viddied better that there was something in it. While the stereo played bits of lovely Bach I closed my glazzies and viddied myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in a like toga that was the heighth of Roman fashion. So being in Staja 84F was not all that wasted, and the Governor himself was very pleased to hear that I had taken to like Religion, and that was where I had my hopes.

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    All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.

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    All this time she’d been wondering how Gansey might die and it turned out she was going to strangle him.

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    All you have to do is tell me where the girl with the pointed ears is being held, and you walk free. She was taken yesterday near the Boneyard, and I know you know where she is. Tell me, and you walk.” The man licked his lips, and replied, “And if I don’t tell you?” “I will burn you alive right here, go take another member of your gang, and make him the same offer while he sits chained next to your smoldering remains.

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    And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies. -Haymitch Abernathy

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    A new day always forgives you, unless it's raining and you wake up in jail.

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    And he knows it's not just a threat-he'll do it. Today, he'll hit a grand slam if he has to.

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    As Martin noted, to the detectives conducting his interview, it was a good thing he'd been inebriated, because otherwise he would have wasted time screaming and running about - especially once he realized he was standing in a pool of blood. Instead, with the slow methodical patience of the drunk and terrified, Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police.

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    Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.

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    Are you entirely sure of that knot?' asked Morveer. 'There is no place in the plan for a lengthy drop'. 'Twenty-eight strides', said Friendly. 'What?' 'The drop'. A brief pause, 'That is not helpful'.

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    At noon a huge crowd of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island. These people were profoundly retarded. They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and staggering toward Santa. It was a large group of retarded people and after watching them for a few minutes I could not begin to guess where the retarded people ended and the regular New Yorkers began. Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.