Best 284 quotes of Groucho Marx on MyQuotes

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Always examine the dice.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All geniuses die young.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Any place I hang my head is home.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.