Best 343 quotes of Jim Gaffigan on MyQuotes

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

A lot of people are like, "You're doing commercials?" And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.

A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling.

"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something.

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers. It's great for self esteem.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'