Best 110 quotes of Zach Galifianakis on MyQuotes

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.