Best 477 quotes of Steven Wright on MyQuotes

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

A metaphor is like a simile.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

Because I don't believe everything I read.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do you have any toy train schedules?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]