Best 477 quotes of Steven Wright on MyQuotes

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Half the people you know are below average.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

How can there be self-help groups?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

How young can you die of old age?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>>

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.