Best 477 quotes of Steven Wright on MyQuotes

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.