Best 230 quotes of Bill Hicks on MyQuotes

A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'

....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans.

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.

But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.".

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...

Don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um - they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

How do I know the Bible isn't the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand...considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.

Humanity is just a virus with shoes.

I am a misanthropic humanist... Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.

I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

I am available for children's parties, by the way.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself - to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet.

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. If you’re wondering what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I’ll give you a hint... it has to do with creating and sharing.

I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.