Best 215 quotes of Dana Gould on MyQuotes

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.