Best 215 quotes of Dana Gould on MyQuotes

Dana Gould

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    Dana Gould

    A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

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    Dana Gould

    A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

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    Dana Gould

    A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

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    Dana Gould

    A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

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    Dana Gould

    A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

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    Dana Gould

    A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

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    Dana Gould

    A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

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    Dana Gould

    Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

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    Dana Gould

    Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

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    Dana Gould

    Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

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    Dana Gould

    Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

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    Dana Gould

    As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

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    Dana Gould

    As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

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    Dana Gould

    As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

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    Dana Gould

    As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

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    Dana Gould

    As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

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    Dana Gould

    Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

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    Dana Gould

    Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

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    Dana Gould

    Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

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    Dana Gould

    Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

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    Dana Gould

    Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

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    Dana Gould

    Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

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    Dana Gould

    Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

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    Dana Gould

    Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

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    Dana Gould

    Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

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    Dana Gould

    Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

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    Dana Gould

    Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

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    Dana Gould

    Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

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    Dana Gould

    Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

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    Dana Gould

    Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

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    Dana Gould

    Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

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    Dana Gould

    Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

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    Dana Gould

    Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

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    Dana Gould

    Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

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    Dana Gould

    Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

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    Dana Gould

    Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

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    Dana Gould

    Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

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    Dana Gould

    Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

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    Dana Gould

    Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

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    Dana Gould

    Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

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    Dana Gould

    Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

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    Dana Gould

    Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

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    Dana Gould

    For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

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    Dana Gould

    Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

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    Dana Gould

    Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

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    Dana Gould

    Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

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    Dana Gould

    Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

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    Dana Gould

    Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

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    Dana Gould

    Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

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    Dana Gould

    Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.