Best 85 quotes of Jimmy Carr on MyQuotes

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

How many airports are there in the world?

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

I don't see myself as offending people.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.