Best 312 quotes of Rodney Dangerfield on MyQuotes

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife gives good headache.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!