Best 199 quotes in «discworld quotes» category

YOU WILL NOT TELL THE RIVERS NOT TO FLOW. YOU WILL NOT TELL THE SUN NOT TO SHINE. YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT DO.

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

And it came to pass that in time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: "Psst!

"And what would humans be without love?" Rare, said Death.

As we all know, the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies.

Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving

Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall universe and reboot.

Despite rumor, Death isn't cruel--merely terribly, terribly good at his job.

'Discworld' is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.

Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned.

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.

I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts.

If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

I imagine that fish have no word for water.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

Most gods find it hard to walk and think at the same time.

I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

Not a man to mince words. People, yes. But not words.

Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.

The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

The pamphlet was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.

Words are the litmus paper of the mind.

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

"There's a door," he whispered. "Where does it go?" "It stays where it is, I think," said Rincewind.

What're quantum mechanics?" "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.

A banker? Me?" "Yes, Mr. Lipwig." "But I don't know anything about running a bank!" "Good. No preconceived ideas." "I've robbed banks!" "Capital! Just reverse your thinking," said Lord Vetinari, beaming. "The money should be on the inside.

You can't find a hermit to teach you herming, because of course that rather spoils the whole thing.

A dollar for a human bought a loaf of bread that was eaten in a few bites. The same dollar for Wee Mad Arthur bought the same-sized loaf, but it was food for a week and could then be further hollowed out and used as a bedroom.

A dwarf who can't get the hang of metal? That must be pretty unique." "Pretty rare, sir. But I was quite good at alchemy.." "Guild member?" "Not any more, sir." "Oh? How did you leave the guild?" "Through the roof, sir. But I'm pretty certain I know what I did wrong.

Ah, I know that," said Tiffany, as the boat rocked on the swell. "Whales aren't dangerous, because they just eat very small things..." "Row like the blazes, lads!" Rob Anybody yelled.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

A camel in distress isn’t a shy creature. It doesn’t hang around in bars, nursing a solitary drink. It doesn’t phone up old friends and sob at them. It doesn’t mope, or write long soulful poems about Life and how dreadful it is when seen from a bedsitter. It doesn’t know what angst is.

And, er, these stories about you..." "Oh, all true. Most of them. A bit of exaggeration, but mostly true." "The one about the Citadel in Muntab and the Pash and the fish bone?" "Oh, yes." "But how did you get in where half a dozen armed and trained men couldn't even - ?" "I am a little man and I carry a broom," said Lu-Tze simply. "Everyone has some mess that needs clearing up. What harm is a man with a broom?" "What? And that was it?" "Well, the rest was a matter of cookery, really. The Pash was not a good man, but he was a glutton for his fish pie." "No martial arts?" said Lobsang. "Oh, always a last resort. History needs shepherds, not butchers." "Do you know okidoki?" "Just a lot of bunny-hops." "Shittake?" "If I wanted to thrust my hand into hot sand I would go to the seaside." "Upsidazi?" "A waste of good bricks." "No kando?" "You made that one up.

And at the end of all stories Azrael, who knew the secret, thought: I REMEMBER WHEN ALL THIS WILL BE AGAIN.

And then there was the much spoken of lock-up. It looked like a giant pepperpot built of stone. A flowering creeper grew up it, and, next to the door and restrained by a chain, there was an enormous pig. When it saw their approach it got on its hind legs, and, tottering somewhat, begged. "This is Masher," said Feeney. "His father was a wild boar, his mother was surprised.

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Anger helped Vimes up the last leg of the climb. Anger at himself and whoever it was who had punctured his holiday. But it was worrying: he had wanted something to happen and now it had. Somebody was dead. Sometimes you had to take a look at yourself and then look away.

Are you staying with us? It could be dangerous,' said William, realizing that he was saying this to a vampire iconographer who undied every time he took a picture.