Best 199 quotes in «discworld quotes» category

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

And it came to pass that in time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: "Psst!

"And what would humans be without love?" Rare, said Death.

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

As we all know, the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

Despite rumor, Death isn't cruel--merely terribly, terribly good at his job.

'Discworld' is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall universe and reboot.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.

If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.

Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned.

I imagine that fish have no word for water.

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts.

I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

Not a man to mince words. People, yes. But not words.

Most gods find it hard to walk and think at the same time.

Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

The pamphlet was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).

What're quantum mechanics?" "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose.

"There's a door," he whispered. "Where does it go?" "It stays where it is, I think," said Rincewind.

You can't find a hermit to teach you herming, because of course that rather spoils the whole thing.

Words are the litmus paper of the mind.

A dollar for a human bought a loaf of bread that was eaten in a few bites. The same dollar for Wee Mad Arthur bought the same-sized loaf, but it was food for a week and could then be further hollowed out and used as a bedroom.

A camel in distress isn’t a shy creature. It doesn’t hang around in bars, nursing a solitary drink. It doesn’t phone up old friends and sob at them. It doesn’t mope, or write long soulful poems about Life and how dreadful it is when seen from a bedsitter. It doesn’t know what angst is.

A dwarf who can't get the hang of metal? That must be pretty unique." "Pretty rare, sir. But I was quite good at alchemy.." "Guild member?" "Not any more, sir." "Oh? How did you leave the guild?" "Through the roof, sir. But I'm pretty certain I know what I did wrong.

And at the end of all stories Azrael, who knew the secret, thought: I REMEMBER WHEN ALL THIS WILL BE AGAIN.

And, er, these stories about you..." "Oh, all true. Most of them. A bit of exaggeration, but mostly true." "The one about the Citadel in Muntab and the Pash and the fish bone?" "Oh, yes." "But how did you get in where half a dozen armed and trained men couldn't even - ?" "I am a little man and I carry a broom," said Lu-Tze simply. "Everyone has some mess that needs clearing up. What harm is a man with a broom?" "What? And that was it?" "Well, the rest was a matter of cookery, really. The Pash was not a good man, but he was a glutton for his fish pie." "No martial arts?" said Lobsang. "Oh, always a last resort. History needs shepherds, not butchers." "Do you know okidoki?" "Just a lot of bunny-hops." "Shittake?" "If I wanted to thrust my hand into hot sand I would go to the seaside." "Upsidazi?" "A waste of good bricks." "No kando?" "You made that one up.

Ah, I know that," said Tiffany, as the boat rocked on the swell. "Whales aren't dangerous, because they just eat very small things..." "Row like the blazes, lads!" Rob Anybody yelled.

A banker? Me?" "Yes, Mr. Lipwig." "But I don't know anything about running a bank!" "Good. No preconceived ideas." "I've robbed banks!" "Capital! Just reverse your thinking," said Lord Vetinari, beaming. "The money should be on the inside.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

And then there was the much spoken of lock-up. It looked like a giant pepperpot built of stone. A flowering creeper grew up it, and, next to the door and restrained by a chain, there was an enormous pig. When it saw their approach it got on its hind legs, and, tottering somewhat, begged. "This is Masher," said Feeney. "His father was a wild boar, his mother was surprised.

Are you staying with us? It could be dangerous,' said William, realizing that he was saying this to a vampire iconographer who undied every time he took a picture.

Anger helped Vimes up the last leg of the climb. Anger at himself and whoever it was who had punctured his holiday. But it was worrying: he had wanted something to happen and now it had. Somebody was dead. Sometimes you had to take a look at yourself and then look away.

But too much reading had taken its toll. William found that he now thought of prayer as a sophisticated way of pleading with thunderstorms.