Best 13 quotes of Denis Norden on MyQuotes

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good - we want it Tuesday.

I defy anyone to get a decision that quickly these days.

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and would use that money to pay the writers. None of them paid very much for their comedy material, but it all added up.

Then after that came word processors and it's hard to make those laugh.

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.