Best 260 quotes of Scott Adams on MyQuotes

Scott Adams

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    Scott Adams

    Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

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    Scott Adams

    Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

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    Scott Adams

    Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.

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    Scott Adams

    A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

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    Scott Adams

    And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

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    Scott Adams

    A person with a flexible schedule and average resources will be happier than a rich person who has everything except a flexible schedule. Step one in your search for happiness is to continually work toward having control of your schedule.

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    Scott Adams

    A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels.

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    Scott Adams

    As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

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    Scott Adams

    As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

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    Scott Adams

    Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

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    Scott Adams

    As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.

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    Scott Adams

    As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.

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    Scott Adams

    As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

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    Scott Adams

    Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

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    Scott Adams

    Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company.

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    Scott Adams

    Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions.

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    Scott Adams

    Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.

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    Scott Adams

    Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.

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    Scott Adams

    By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.

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    Scott Adams

    Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.

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    Scott Adams

    Computers and rocket ships are examples of invention, not of understanding. ... All that is needed to build machines is the knowledge that when one thing happens, another thing happens as a result. It's an accumulation of simple patterns. A dog can learn patterns. There is no "why&rdqo"; in those examples. We don't understand why electricity travels. We don't know why light travels at a constant speed forever. All we can do is observe and record patterns.

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    Scott Adams

    Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

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    Scott Adams

    Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.

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    Scott Adams

    Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.

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    Scott Adams

    Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

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    Scott Adams

    Decisions are made by people who have time, not people who have talent.

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    Scott Adams

    'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

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    Scott Adams

    Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called time and cause and effect exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish.

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    Scott Adams

    Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly.

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    Scott Adams

    Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.

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    Scott Adams

    Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead.

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    Scott Adams

    Dinosaur: I plan to use punctuated equilibrium to turn this zit into a third eye. Catbert: That's not a natural advantage. You'd better stay away from the fitter dinosaurs.

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    Scott Adams

    Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science.

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    Scott Adams

    Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies.

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    Scott Adams

    Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes... no, wait.

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    Scott Adams

    E-books are impervious to analogy.

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    Scott Adams

    Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment. I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data. Then eat the wrong kind of foods and hope you die before the earth does.

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    Scott Adams

    Every generation of humans believed it had all the answers it needed, except for a few mysteries they assumed would be solved at any moment. And they all believed their ancestors were simplistic and deluded. What are the odds that you are the first generation of humans who will understand reality ?

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    Scott Adams

    Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion.

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    Scott Adams

    Everyone says there's a lack of leadership in the world these days. I think we should all be thankful, because the only reason for leadership is to convince people to do things that are either dangerous (like invading another country) or stupid (working extra hard without extra pay).

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    Scott Adams

    Every year, it takes more brains to navigate this complicated world. More people are falling below what I call the 'incompetence line' through no fault of their own.

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    Scott Adams

    Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.

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    Scott Adams

    Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.

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    Scott Adams

    For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

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    Scott Adams

    For most of my career I did one comic a day, every day, including weekends and holidays.

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    Scott Adams

    For our purposes, let’s say a goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long run. If you do something every day, it’s a system. If you’re waiting to achieve it someday in the future, it’s a goal.

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    Scott Adams

    For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.

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    Scott Adams

    Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

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    Scott Adams

    Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

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    Scott Adams

    Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.