Best 43 quotes of Red Skelton on MyQuotes

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . .

I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.

If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.

If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.

I left home because I was hungry.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.