Best 340 quotes of Craig Ferguson on MyQuotes

I don't want to be poor. I don't want to be rich to the extent that all I care about is keeping my job. I don't care enough about keeping my job right now. That's good. That makes effective at what I do. I don't want to be frightened of getting fired. So to that end I suppose my ambitions are that I spend less than I earn.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.