Best 250 quotes of Garrison Keillor on MyQuotes

Garrison Keillor

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    Garrison Keillor

    A book is a gift you can open again and again.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A boy wrote me once to say that he loved it when the news from Lake Wobegon came on the radio because it meant that his parents stopped arguing. That was an eye-opener for me. You work hard to polish your act and then you find out that it does people good in ways you couldn't predict.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A child can educate just about anybody.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last 'make a wish'.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Adolescence hits boys harder than it does girls. Girls bleed a little and their breasts pop out, big deal, but adolescence lands on a guy with both feet. . . . Your body is engulfed by chemicals of rage and despair, you pound, you shriek, you batter your head against the trees. You come away wounded, feeling that life is unknowable, can never be understood, only endured and sometimes cheated.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

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    Garrison Keillor

    All fiction comes from a little bit of reality, otherwise it would have no relevance. The fun is in innovation, take something real like this fair, and make it something larger than life.

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    Garrison Keillor

    All solutions are temporary, so why not go for duct tape?

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    Garrison Keillor

    A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A man can't eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A married guy is responsible for everything, no matter what. Women, thanks to their having been oppressed all these years, are blameless, free as birds, and all the dirt they do is the result of premenstrual syndrome or postmenstrual stress or menopause or emotional disempowerment by their fathers or low expectations by their teachers or latent unspoken sexual harassment in the workplace, or some other airy excuse. The guy alone is responsible for every day of marriage that is less than marvelous and meaningful.

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    Garrison Keillor

    America of the future will be all malls connected by interstates. All because your parents no longer can their own tomatoes.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

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    Garrison Keillor

    An interesting thing about New York City is that the subways run through the sewers.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A person cannot coast along in old destructive habits year after year and accept whatever comes along. A person must stand up on her own two legs and walk. Get off the bus and go get on another. Climb out of the ditch and cross the road. Find the road that s where you want to go. ... The only sermon that counts is the one that is formed by our actions. She would quit drinking and thereby show Kyle life is what you make it. A person can grab hold of her life and change things for the better. This happens all the time. We are not chips of wood drifting down the stream of time. We have oars.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A person does feel sheepish picking on journalists, a class already so richly despised that if a planeload of them crashed in flames, most people would smile from pure reflex.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song, but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about, you write a whole book.

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    Garrison Keillor

    As a former English major, I am a sitting duck for Gift Books, and in the past few years I've gotten Dickens, Thackeray, Smollet, Richardson, Emerson, Keats, Boswell and the Brontes, all of them Great, none of them ever read by me, all of them now on a shelf, looking at me and making me feel guilty.

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    Garrison Keillor

    As for family values, they are whatever they are - some families are tight, others are blown away like dandelion puffs. A main value in Minnesota is still: don't waste my time, don't B.S. me, I wasn't born yesterday.

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    Garrison Keillor

    As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately.

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    Garrison Keillor

    A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Bad things don't happen to writers; it's all material.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

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    Garrison Keillor

    Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our house, and He had me all sketched out down to what size my feet would be (big), which bike I would ride (Schwinn), and the five ears of corn I'd eat for supper that night.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either

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    Garrison Keillor

    Being rich and thin isn't everything.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of descent gets steep

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    Garrison Keillor

    Bravery and adventure! That's the ticket! Don't sit and gather moss. Get up, get out, do what you dream of doing, and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and you don't need to made that particular mistake again, but at least you won't get old wondering what if you had.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Childhood is the small town everyone came from.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Children can find other children to be pals. Children need fathers to be fathers.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Cleverness is a burden after that. You are supposed to settle down and be a good person, raise your children, and be good to your friends, which you may not have been back when you were clever.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now let me, by night or day, Be just as full of truth as they.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Don't pour the oil directly into my navel, pour it on my sternum and let it run down into my navel, you ignorant peasant.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Don't tear up the page and start over again when you write a bad line-try to write your way out of it. Make mistakes and plunge on. Writing is a means of discovery, always.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Don't worry about the past and don't try to solve the future.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.

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    Garrison Keillor

    English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Face it: a nation that maintains a 72% approval rating on George W. Bush is a nation with a very loose grip on reality.

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    Garrison Keillor

    Forget what you learned about poetry in school. (That it's complex, opaque, a problem to be solved in 1500 words by tomorrow.) Poetry is the last preserve of honest speech and the outspoken heart. It holds the cadence of common life. It has a passion for truth and justice and liberty; it is a buoy to people in ordinary trouble: to a friend whose life has gone skidding into the meridian, who has been struck by bad news, who is frying eggs and hash browns and has whiny child clinging to his pant leg.

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    Garrison Keillor

    For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.