Best 406 quotes in «absurd quotes» category

Cervantes' text and Menard's are verbally identical; but the second is almost infinitely richer.

Christianity is the most ridiculous, the most absurd, and bloody religion that has ever infected the world. [In a letter to Frederick the Great]

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

Cheap is the love that has a price.

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months

Death is life's way of telling you, you've been recalled

Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee." That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important.

Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for

Did you bring your book of nightmares?" Dr. Tuttle asked, sitting down behind her desk.

Dieu n'est pas utilitaire. Dieu est un cadeau de fête, un don gratuit, un lingot de platine, une image artistique, une friandise légère. Dieu est en plus. Il n'est ni pour ni contre. C'est du rabiot !

Elections are called! May the better voters win!

End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it. Penélope and Javier anxious to work with me again. Said if I ever come up with another screenplay to try and find them. Goodbye drink with Rebecca. Sentimental moment. Everyone in cast and crew chipped in and bought me a ballpoint pen.

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Everything is possible, but where can I find everything?!

Flying is simple. Hitting the ground is hard

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

Future generations will not fight over legacy. We'll leave them nothing.

Happy Labour's day! Let's make a world with better illusions!

Her loyalty was absurd. This was what kept us going.

How unbearable, for women, is the tenderness which a man can give them without love. For men, how bittersweet this is.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

If I could fly, I would soar all the way up to the window of a plane carrying a suitcase in my hand, then I’d motion toward the plane’s door and make an annoyed face at the terrified passengers. I have a feeling I would do this a lot.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this particular moment and delivered another unfortunate message. "Hello, you cakesniffers," she said, "although judging from the baby brat you're more like saladsniffers. I have another message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest little girl in the whole school." "If you were really the nicest person in the whole school," Isadora said, "you wouldn't make fun of a sleeping infant. But never mind, what is the message?" "It's actually the same as last time," Carmelita said, "but I'll repeat it in case you're too stupid to remember. The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner." "What?" Klaus asked. "Are you deaf as well as cakesniffy?" Carmelita asked.

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our orchid-laden property. You’re probably thinking that a lot of all-inclusive resorts have monkeys. True, but only one resort packs a monkey for each of their guests to take home. You’ll be showing off more than a tan to your friends, you’ll be showing off a gibbon.

For a beverage, you asked for some “cherry-assed Kool Aid.” Okay, now you’re just adding “assed” in places where it doesn’t even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours. For dessert, you asked for your mother’s homemade peach cobbler. It is highly unorthodox for someone other than the prison kitchen staff to prepare a final meal. Also, you killed her about eight years ago, remember? So you’ll have to settle for Hostess.

God is the supreme uncreated light of which Wisdom is born, but there was never a time when God's Wisdom did not exist.

Happiness and absurd are the sons of same earth

He had too much to think about. In the course of his long, useless marches he had sunk deeper and deeper into the tangle of his botched life as into a clump of brambles, and still he had found no meaning or consolation.

He himself, Anthony went on to think, he himself had chosen to regard the whole process as either pointless or a practical joke. Yes, chosen. For it had been an act of the will. If it were all nonsense or a joke, then he was at liberty to read his books and exercise his talents for sarcastic comment; there was no reason why he shouldn't sleep with any presentable woman who was ready to sleep with him. If it weren't nonsense, if there was some significance, then he could no longer live irresponsibly. There were duties towards himself and others and the nature of things. Duties with whose fulfilment the sleeping and the indiscriminate reading and the habit of detached irony would interfere. He had chosen to think it nonsense, and nonsense for more than twenty years the thing had seemed to be – nonsense, in spite of occasional uncomfortable intimations that there might be a point, and that the point was precisely in what he had chosen to regard as the pointlessness, the practical joke.

I adore the absurd and the abnormal; therefore, that's what I write about. That's what I need to write about. The mainstream has never turned me on.

I answered that, of recent years, I’d rather lost the habit of noting my feelings, and hardly knew what to answer. I could truthfully say I’d been quite fond of Mother— but really that didn’t mean much. All normal people, I added as on afterthought, had more or less desired the death of those they loved, at some time or another.

I call my wife and tell her I’m going to sleep at the lab. She reminds me that she left me a week ago. Louis tries to crack me up by pantomiming humping a chimp through the cage.

I cannot here withhold the statement that optimism, where it is not merely the thoughtless talk of those who harbor nothing but words under their shallow foreheads, seems to me to be not merely an absurd, but also a really wicked, way of thinking, a bitter mockery of the most unspeakable sufferings of mankind.

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you've never been to rehab

If Mickey Mouse could fly, he'd be Donald Duck.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If you need me, I'm here. If I am not here, why would you need me for?

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re looking through binoculars the wrong way

I hold the biscuits in front of his face and he stands up. "What do I have to do?" he says. "Nothing," I say. "They're for you." "Are they poisoned?" he says. "No," I say. "Eat one," he says. So I do. "Probably the others are poisoned," he says. "Eat a fraction of each." I eat a corner off each biscuit. He looks at the reminders suspiciously, then sniffs them. "I'm not sure it's worth it," he says. "How I wish you'd never come. Perhaps you've left the poison off of just those corners." I begin to realize I'll doubt whatever information he gives me. "Lick the entire biscuit," he says. "Then give them to me." So I lick each biscuit. "Both sides," he says. I lick both sides of each biscuit. I give him the wet biscuits and he cracks them open and sniffs them. Then he puts them in his pocket. "What do you want?" he says. "Now that you've failed to poison me to death.

I know what you’re thinking about,” said Tweedle-dum, “But it ain’t so, nohow.” “Contrariwise,” continued Tweedledee, “if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.

I, Larry Vail, do hereby confess To murdering Merry in her little dress. To strangling and raping and making a mess. To all of these charges the answer is yes.

I have a keen sense of the oblivious