Best 247 quotes in «humourous quotes» category

The weed-whacker dad was helping his kid whack weeds. Dad was blitzed to the eyeballs on beer, and the kid was waving the weed whacker around like he was Luke Skywalker. It wasn’t going to end well.

The weed-whacker dad was helping his kid whack weeds. Dad was blitzed to the eyebrows on beer, and the kid was waving the week whacker around like he was Luke Skywalker. It wasn't going to end well.

The only way to see everything, my dear, is to see it absolutely.

This is nothing personal, you understand," said Charley to Nobby. "It's just a wossname. Had a wizard in here the other night talking about it. Sort of bendy educational thing, you know?" He appeared to think for a moment. "Learning curve. That was it. It's a learning curve. Detritus, get your big stony arse over here for a moment.

To my mirrors, The aliens and the CIA secretly watching me, and any spirits stuck in my room, sorry guys. I know look batshit crazy each time I start reciting a bunch of monologues in my dramatic "film voice" after I finish watching a movie.

There was my life before I told a strange woman in a negligee that I was a homosexual, and now there would be my life after, two chapters so dissimilar in style and content that they might have been written by different people.

...they say [Finn] has tasted the Nuts of Wisdom." Elatha laughed. "Perhaps the Nuts of Wisdom will gird him against your sister.

Three life rules guaranteed to bring you peace in life. 1. Keep your mouth shut. 2. Keep your big mouth shut. 3 Keep your stupid big mouth shut.

Two uniformed trolls were standing in front of Sergeant Colon's high desk, with a slightly smaller troll between them. This troll was wearing a slightly downcast expression. It was also wearing a tutu and had a small pair of gauzed wings glued to its back. " - happen to know that trolls don't have any tradition of a Tooth Fairy," Colon was saying. "Especially not one called' - he looked down - "Clinkerbell. So how about we just call it breaking and entering without a Thieves' Guild license?" "Is racial prejudice, not letting trolls have a Tooth Fairy," Clinkerbell muttered. One of the troll guards upended a sack on the desk. Various items of silverwear cascaded over the paperwork. "And this is what you found under their pillows, was it?" said Colon. "Bless dere little hearts," said Clinkerbell.

Unless you can start some worldwide crime wave, I haven’t the strength to defy him.

Vanessa was deprived of her hormones in prison and thus retained several male characteristics that would have been less evident otherwise, most notably her voice. While she spoke in a high, little-girl voice most of the time, she could switch at will to a booming, masculine Richard-voice. She loved to sneak up behind people and scare the crap out of them this way, and she was very effective at quieting a noisy dining hall, roaring, "Y'all hush up!" Best of all were her Richardian encouragements on the softball field, where she was a sought-after teammate. That bitch could hit.

Vimes stared. It was true about the dogs. There didn't seem to be quite so many mooching around these days, and that was a fact. But he'd visited a few dwarf bars with Carrot, and knew that dwarfs would indeed eat dog, but only of they couldn't get rat. And ten thousand dwarfs eating continuously with knife, fork, and shovel wouldn't make a dent in Ankh-Morpork's rat population. It was a major feature in dwarvish letters back home: come on, everyone, and bring the ketchup.

Vimes was already lost. Oh, there was the sun, but that was just a direction. He could feel it on the side of his face. And the camel rocked from side to side. There was no real way of judging distance, except by haemorrhoids.

Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think.

Vimes stuck his helmet under his arm, smoothed back his hair, and knocked. He'd considered asking Sargent Colon to accompany him, but had brushed the idea aside quickly. He couldn't have tolerated the sniggering. Anyway, what was there to be afraid of? He'd stared into the jaws of death three times; four, if you included telling Vetinari to shut up.

We did Rat Surprise last night for the Sons of Bloodaxe annual dinner," he said. There was a general groan. "And it was rat." He raised his voice against the complaining. "You can't use anything else - listen - you've got to have the noses poking through the pastry, all right? Some of the best rat we've had in a long time!

When new students tried an experiment that was particularly successful in terms of explosive force, the result was often a cross between a major factory refit and a game of Hunt-the-other-Kidney.

When you get beef from the butcher, you don’t feel bad for the cow that has been killed. But if someone asked you to wield a knife and kill the cow yourself, you wouldn’t be able to do it.” “Are you saying that you are a cow?” “Exactly.” “What?” “You found me alive and couldn’t bring yourself to kill me. It would have been alright if the storm had finished me off. I am like that cow and the storm is the butcher. Do you see now?” “Yes, I see. You absolutely insist that you are a cow. I am not arguing.

When you say fair, Samantha,” said Mr Green through a peculiar smile, “do you mean one of those travelling fleets of vehicles that arrive and set up things like spinning Waltzers and Big Wheels and all manner of machines that whizz people around in circles and up and down and from side to side? Machines that could...” Mr Green turned away and his unnatural smile became even more unsettling... “easily go wrong!

Vimes shook some lather off the blade. "Hah! I bet they have. Tell me, Willikins, did you fight much when you were a kid? Were you in a gang or anything?" "I was privileged to belong to the Shamlegger Street Rude Boys, sir," said the butler. "Really?" said Vimes, genuinely impressed. "They were pretty tough nuts, as I recall." "Thank you, sir," said Willikins smoothly. "I pride myself I used to give somewhat more than I got if we needed to discuss the vexed area of turf issues with the young men from Rope Street. Stevedore's hooks were their weapon of choice, as I recall." "And yours...?" said Vimes, agog. "A cap-brim sewn with sharpened pennies, sir. An ever-present help in times of trouble." "Ye gods, man! You could put someone's eye out with something like that." "With care, sir, yes," said Willikins, meticulously folding a towel.

Vimes woke in damp and utter darkness with sand under his cheek. Some parts of his body reported for duty, others protested that they had a note from their mother.

Well, go on then, Abby; run along and let the nice man compromise you.

We need to borrow your boat," said Vimes. "Bugger off!" "I'm choosing to believe that was a salty nautical expression meaning 'Why, certainly,'" said Vimes.

We’re a group created to investigate the cases the police either can’t or won’t. We’re all members of the public and we’ve all been hired by your mistress to investigate the murder of her cat,” Maxwell explained.

We should have wars. Then there would be no need for sports.

"We try to make guests feel welcome," said Dee, scuttling behind his desk. He pulled off his pointed hat and, to Vimes's amazement, put on a pair of thick smoked glasses. "You had papers?" he said. Vimes handed them over. "It says here "His Grace", the dwarf said, after reading them for awhile. "Yes, that's me." "And there's a sir." "That's me, too." "And an excellency." "'fraid so." Vimes narrowed his eyes. "I was blackboard monitor for awhile, too.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for with ego.

What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

When he was a boy he'd read books about great military campaigns, and visited the museums and looked with patriotic pride at the paintings of famous cavalry charges, last stands and glorious victories. It had come as rather a shock, when he later began to participate in some of these, to find that the painters had unaccountably left out the intestines. Perhaps they just weren't very good at them.

When in a frying pan, thank your stars. You will reminisce about it moments later, when you fall in the fire.

Where's the elevator?" Mike asked, sheathing his weapon. Tallow felt a little better telling Mike there wasn't an elevator and watching his face. But then Mike picked up the dolly, boxes and all, with one hand, took the kit bag from Sophie with the other, and started jogging up the stairs with"Third floor, right?" "There," said Scarly, "goes a man who has names for all his muscles." "I was just thinking that," Tallow said. "Serious gym rat." "No, I mean he's named all his muscles. That's a man who calls one of his muscles Steve.

Winder's mind felt even fuzzier than it had done over the past few years, but he was certain about cake. He'd been eating cake, and now there wasn't any. Through the mists he saw it, apparently close but, when he tried to reach it, a long way away. A certain realization dawned on him. "Oh," he said. YES, said Death. "Not even time to finish my cake?" NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE.

Why do you want to know?" she asked. "No special reason. The Idiot guide to detectives says that you you are supposed to ask questions like that.

Writing is all about tents: sometimes you're competent, sometimes you're eloquetent.

Writing is like sex. First you do it for love, then you do it for your friends, and then you do it for the money - Virginia Woolf

yep" Eloquence 'R' Us. When in trouble, keep it monosyllabic-safer that way.

You haven't heard of him? And he is a D'reg!" Mrs Goriff pulled at her husband's arm. "D'reg?" said Angua. "A warlike desert tribe," said Carrot. "Very fierce. Honourable, though. They say that if a D'reg is your friend he's your friend for life." "And if he's not your friend?" "That's about five seconds.

When I wanted to quit smoking cannabis a few years ago and found that I couldn’t do it under my own steam I went in search of a self-help book to show me the way. Annoyingly all I could find were books on how to cultivate the damn stuff. So to exact my revenge on the world of publishing I decided to one day write that book myself.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

You said,' Camille protested, 'that when you wanted to get on terms with Gabrielle you cultivated her mother. It's true, everybody saw you doing it, boasting in Italian and rolling your eyes and doing your tempestuous southerner impersonation.

You're not suggesting that Vetinari tucks into a nice rat every day?" said Angua. "I've heard he uses rats as spies, so I don't think he'd use them as elevenses," said Carrot.

You see," said Colon, "thieves are organized here. I mean, it's official. They're allowed a certain amount of thieving. Not that they do much these days, mind you. If you pay them a little premium every year they give you a card and leave you alone. Saves time and effort all around." "And all thieves are members?" said Angua. "Oh, yes," said Carrot. "Can't go thieving in Ankh-Morpork without a Guild permit. Not unless you've got a special talent." "Why? What happens? What talent?" she said. "Well, being able to survive being hung upside down from one of the gates with your ears nailed to your knees," said Carrot.

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

You should treat the trivial things in life seriously and the serious things in life with a sincere and studied triviality

You weasel, good-for-nothing, scumbag, swine, sleazebag, scumbucket, scoundrel, son-of-a-bitch!” In the midst of everything, we all looked at Rosina, who smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. I was reading the Dictionary the other day.” I stared at her with incomprehension.

You know a few shiftless persons in need of biological levity. You men of negotiable constancy like gold, don’t you?