Best 180 quotes of Evan Esar on MyQuotes

Many people will laugh at the drop of a hat, especially if the man is still in it.

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.

Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.

Some couples divorce because of a misunderstandin g; others, because they understand each other too well.

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.

Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it.

Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family.

Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom.

Sometimes the unexpected happens when you don't expect a person to come up to expectations.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

[Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

[Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics.

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts.

The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams

The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.

The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability.

The diamond is the hardest stone -- to get.

The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been.

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.

The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman.

The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.

The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.

The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

The reason why men who mind their own business succeed is that they have so little competition.

There is a lot of difference between the man who is not able and his brother who is notable.