Best 11 quotes of Frank Skinner on MyQuotes

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

Anyway, my writer gang: they kind of did their comedy apprenticeship with me and, during that period, when they were young and impressionable, I think I infected them with my pun virus. They grew to enjoy puns, think puns, just as much as me. The problem is people don't really like puns any more, so I worry I've rendered the poor fuckers virtually unemployable.

I walked back into the bedroom and, after all that, I actually was surprised. She lay on the bed, her hands nonchalantly behind her head, with the banana between her legs. Only half of it was alfresco. It was if we'd had sex and then, before heading for the bathroom, I'd bookmarked her vagina so as not to lose my place.