Best 391 quotes of Stephen Colbert on MyQuotes

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.

A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government - it's like the existence of another authority.

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.

But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant.

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. You have to be able to just hit the backhand. You can't think about all the pieces of it. You can't think about your swing. You just have to do it. Reading someone else's deconstruction of what I do, all it does is put me in my head. On nights when the show goes particularly well, I am not aware of its fluidity. A lot of nights I'm just worried that I'm not going to be as good as the script in front of me.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

Cynicism is an enormous problem. I'm actually a hopeful person. But the way to stay hopeful is to acknowledge and to not accept what is absolutely amoral, mentally ill behavior as normal.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.