Best 249 quotes of Chelsea Handler on MyQuotes

I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.

I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.

I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I think when I envisioned my documentaries, what I wanted to do when I left, I had no business doing those documentaries. I didn't know what I was doing. I was delving into an arena that I had no experience in, and Netflix paired me up with two documentarians that really executed my vision perfectly. That was great, to see that. All of a sudden I'm at Sundance, and those are premiering. I just thought, "Wow, they were four ideas I pitched one day, and now it's coming to fruition on this scale.

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.'

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a woman, being on the road at these disgusting hotels. What girls want to do that? Gross guys want to do that. I think that the dearth in female comics is just the nature of the business, but there certainly isn't a dearth anymore, so I think it's just silly.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.

It would be nice if everybody were a little bit more mindful of what kind of product you're putting out there. Nothing's for everybody. People are liked and disliked, but at least be mindful of what you're doing and what your message is, and trying to stay true to your authenticity and what you're trying to attain or what your goals are, and don't let anybody get in the way of that. At the same time, have a goal, and have a message.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my boobs or wearing a skirt and show off my ... I just didn't think that that was the best way to get taken seriously in that world.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied — so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a family, so that's my own prerogative. It's just not something that a woman.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

My message is strong and my belief is strong, in the fact that we can still be provocative and have fun and just get informed.