Best 60 quotes in «funny life quotes» category

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know

Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.

Life is a near-death experience.

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.

Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

There is properly no history, only biography.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.

I love you as I do all - not at all.

I will bow to your pal up in the sky if you too to my god, Mr. Not, say hi.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

My pal up there, Mr. NOT, has anointed me as the latest messiah. Yeah, just like that! So, don't you dare utter a word against your newest boss, or I'm gonna whup your fat ass.

The earth is full of them - dogs, and humans. One should get to know them - dogs. They're so human.

This is how you get through life: duck.

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.

He has a heart of gold - only harder.

I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.