Best 53 quotes of Andy Borowitz on MyQuotes

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.