Best 13 quotes in «stand up comedy quotes» category

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit.

It seems to me that they only seem to mention things in the Bible that are within a 5 mile radius of the guy writing it.

I want my rockstars dead.

Universal Pictures presents the Georgie Jessel Story. Ted Bessell is Georgie Jessel. Ted Bessell leads an all-star cast of Ted Bessell, Joey Bishop, Jacqueline Bisset, Whit Bissell and Joe Besser. Besser, Bissell, Bissett, Bishop and Bessell. The New York Times says, 'Bessell is Jessel". The Jewish Press says, 'We like Bessell, but only a bissel.

This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we're hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row - 'Why doesn't he just hit fruit with a hammer?' Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fucking moron.

I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

Asking someone else to drive your sports car is like asking someone else to kiss your girlfriend.

I found a gray hair one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.

Sahl was never a great comic. His nervous, jabbing, keep-them-off-balance delivery was the strategy of a man who was not comfortable in front of an audience. His creative method -- a rapid scanning of the day's output of newspapers, magazines, and radio broadcasts -- was a recipe for superficiality or, at best, the kind of quick, shallow laugh triggered by a topical allusion. Sahl was always devoid of the two basic ingredients of great humor: imagination and soul. He could make fun of the latest Hollywood movies. He could stab at the pieties of his own class. He could take an abrupt insight into politics or wold events and phrase it neatly into a gag. What he could never do was suggest a world of living, breathing people behaving in ridiculous yet recognizably human patterns.

I do some of my best stand-up comedy during sound checks.

My sense of stand up comedy would be so esoteric.

I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.