Best 243 quotes in «dark humor quotes» category

A few of the savage creatures (rabids) I could deal with, but taking on this many ventured very close to suicide. Once was enough, thanks

A blacksmith can go anywhere. A detective inspector only goes where the dead bodies are.” “But there aren’t any dead people here today.” Mina glanced over her shoulder at the chest Newberry carried. “That’s why I brought my own.

A flat screen television lowered into view. It showed an animated Islamic documentary that focused mostly on the importance of wearing the proper attire. The final prophet was quoted often, yet absent from the feature. “If this Mohammed guy is so great, why wouldn’t they put him in the cartoon?” Kira wondered.

After the first week I knew every line, freckle and scar on his body. Some might call it obsessive. I called it having an attention to detail. I can't help it if I'm overly observant.

After her declaration to become a ghost, her sister had given a nervous half-laugh and said that she didn't want Adelaide to do anything to scare her. Adelaide had agreed, but said she'd move things around her home just to confuse her. And laughed too. Her husband, Simon, had told her not to be morbid and reminded her that the consultant wasn't sure. It was possible she might live.

Ah, yes- 'God is love' and all that rot. Tell me, have you ever really stopped to think about what that means? Love is cruel. Love is vicious. Love inspires people to kill, to maim, to torture. Love ruins lives, fells cities, destroys civilizations. If you ask me, love's not all it's cracked up to be. But then, you shouldn't have to ask me - you should only have to reflect on where love has gotten you." - Lilith

Ah, 6655321, think on the divine suffering. Meditate on that, my boy.' And all the time he had this rich manny von of Scotch on him, and then he went off to his little cantora to peet some more. So I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and then the cross veshch and all that cal, and I viddied better that there was something in it. While the stereo played bits of lovely Bach I closed my glazzies and viddied myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in a like toga that was the heighth of Roman fashion. So being in Staja 84F was not all that wasted, and the Governor himself was very pleased to hear that I had taken to like Religion, and that was where I had my hopes.

AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?” “I’m sorry, Sante. It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want Sofus playing with guns.” Conversation between George Hanson and Sante In The Shadow of Sadd

All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.

All this time she’d been wondering how Gansey might die and it turned out she was going to strangle him.

All you have to do is tell me where the girl with the pointed ears is being held, and you walk free. She was taken yesterday near the Boneyard, and I know you know where she is. Tell me, and you walk.” The man licked his lips, and replied, “And if I don’t tell you?” “I will burn you alive right here, go take another member of your gang, and make him the same offer while he sits chained next to your smoldering remains.

- Athos, c'est votre femme, vous dis-je, répétait d'Artagnan, ne vous rappelez-vous donc pas comme les deux signalements se ressemblent ? - J'aurais cependant cru que l'autre était morte, je l'avais si bien pendu.

And he knows it's not just a threat-he'll do it. Today, he'll hit a grand slam if he has to.

A new day always forgives you, unless it's raining and you wake up in jail.

Are you entirely sure of that knot?' asked Morveer. 'There is no place in the plan for a lengthy drop'. 'Twenty-eight strides', said Friendly. 'What?' 'The drop'. A brief pause, 'That is not helpful'.

As Martin noted, to the detectives conducting his interview, it was a good thing he'd been inebriated, because otherwise he would have wasted time screaming and running about - especially once he realized he was standing in a pool of blood. Instead, with the slow methodical patience of the drunk and terrified, Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police.

Assassination is an art, milord, and I am the city’s most accomplished artist - Durzo Blint

At noon a huge crowd of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island. These people were profoundly retarded. They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and staggering toward Santa. It was a large group of retarded people and after watching them for a few minutes I could not begin to guess where the retarded people ended and the regular New Yorkers began. Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Because it’s a lit fuse, love – you light it yourself, and you stand around the powder keg afterward, grinning from ear to ear.

Be good, you! no good.

boys don't like smart girls they like push-around-in-a-cart kinda girls target-for-their-dart kinda girls meat-for-their-shark kinda girls

Résumé Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.

Brower was as courageous a criminal as ever lived to be hanged.

But for me,dinner at a fine restaurant was the ultimate luxury. It was the very height of civilization. For what was the civilization but the intellect's ascendancy out of the doldrums of necessity into the ether of the finely superfluous? So removed from daily life was the whole experience that when all was rotten to the core, a fine dinner could revive the spirits

But I think I want to become part of Scotland when I die. In a coffin, you just turn to dust, so I would prefer to be buried in a wicker casket, or in a sheet like the Africans do, so that I actually become part of the earth. I would like a tree to be planted on top of me. And I told my wife Pamela a long time ago the epitaph that I want on my gravestone: Jesus Christ, is that the time already? Failing that, I would like an epitaph in writing so tiny that visitors would have to inch right next to my gravestone to read it. It would say: You're standing on my balls.

Daddy is jive talking and showering the stripper Mommy is sleepwalking while changing baby's diaper

Decît o casă goală, mai bine una plină de duşmani!

Do I look like a shallow Summer girl to you?' She tossed her silver hair, offended. 'I’m a Winter Court royal. I kill silly Summer flowerlets with frost when I yawn.

Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!

...do you have someone you can stay with? Hell, stay with your mother. The Pentagon doesn’t have the security system she’s got.” I really would rather die. “I’m not putting my mother in the path of a serial killer. Thanks for the thought.” “God help the serial killer who tackles your mother,” Riordan muttered.

Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not?

(Eve)"Hold on. You have to give them a gift for moving?" "Uh-huh. Plus they're shacking, so it should be a couple thing." She (Mavis) ate another canape, fed on to Leonardo. "Why does there have to be a gift for every damn thing?" Eve complained. "Retail conspiracy." Roarke patter her knee. "I bet it is," Eve said darkly. "I just bet it is.

Everything is the Matrix, Nihilism is awesome, stay woke, fuck formalism, kill yourself.

Francis Ford Coppola - A man climbs a mountain and they call him a hero. I climb mountains that aren't even there.

From his vantage, three steps back and to the right, Tallow could see Rosato's eye a good five inches outside Rosato's head and still attached to his eye socket by a mess of red worms. In that single second, Tallow abstractedly realized that in his last moment of life, James Rosato could see his killer from two different angles.

From the start he'd sworn to himself that the job would never make him callous. But here he was, annoyed at someone for having the gall to get murdered when he had other plans.

Fuck. He thought quietly to himself. Death is going to kill me. Ha. Unintentional dark humor was always the best humor.

He comes. And he comes loaded with noise pollution. If I ever prayed for anything, it was for a man to shut up.

He knew his parents were liars. He’d known since the day he’d found his brother’s dead body stuffed inside a suitcase.

He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?” “You knew about the guy threatening my dad?” He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?” “Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.

Howie cleared his throat. “Man, are you sure about this? What if the whole thing was just an accident? Like, what if it was just two people out in the field? Like, having sex and stuff? And she hits her head or has a heart attack or something and the guy is scared, so he runs away.” “And what? Accidentally cuts off three fingers postmortem? ‘Oops, oh, no, my girlfriend just died! Clumsy me, in trying to perform CPR, I chopped off some fingers! Guess I’ll take them with me…. Oh, darn, where did that middle finger go?

How much is real and for how long..

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.

I am girl overboard. But you do make drowning fun.

I can't get his bones to go down the fucking drain. I try to stuff the tiny holes, too tiny for this pain. I can't get his bones to break any way for my gain. Break them back a little too far, never too far for the sake of sane.

I couldn't tell if this was Tracy's attempt at dark humor, or if the world truly did hold more horrors that I hadn't considered. I needed to think about that one later, I decided, and shelved it in some inner recess of my brain.

I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.

I don't mind it so much when they're fully dead, you understand. Something that's supposed to be dead, and is dead, that's no surprise but there's something about a creature that GOING to be dead but isn't yet, something that KNOWS it's going to be dead and doesn't want to be. I've never liked that.

I felt like a punk who’d gone out to buy a switchblade and come home with a small neutron bomb. "Screwed again", I thought. "What good’s a neutron bomb in a streetfight?

I firmly disagree with anyone who says humans are the most advanced, or the most intelligent species on the planet. In fact, only three animals have ever threatened to kill me: humans, their dogs, and a particularly aggressive species of house spider.