Best 243 quotes in «dark humor quotes» category

Be good, you! no good.

Beyond all of that, I could see the wall I had seen from inside the train, the wall that runs along the train line. I assumed that there, behind it, was the west, and I was right. I could have been wrong, but I was right.' If she had any future it was over there, and she needed to get to it. I sit in the chair exploring the meaning of dumbstruck, rolling the word around in my mind. I laugh with Miriam as she laughs at herself, and at the boldness of being sixteen. At sixteen you are invulnerable. I laugh with her about rummaging around for a ladder in other people's sheds, and I laugh harder when she finds one. We laugh at the improbability of it, of someone barely more than a child poking around in Beatrix Potter's garden by the Wall, watching out for Mr McGregor and his blunderbuss, and looking for a step-ladder to scale one of the most fortified barriers on earth. We both like the girl she was, and I like the woman she has become. She says suddenly, 'I still have the scars on my hands from climbing the barbed wire, but you can't see them so well now.' She holds out her hands. The soft parts of her palms are crazed with definite white scares, each about a centimeter long. The first fence was wire mesh with a roll of barbed wire along the top.

boys don't like smart girls they like push-around-in-a-cart kinda girls target-for-their-dart kinda girls meat-for-their-shark kinda girls

Résumé Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.

Brower was as courageous a criminal as ever lived to be hanged.

But for me,dinner at a fine restaurant was the ultimate luxury. It was the very height of civilization. For what was the civilization but the intellect's ascendancy out of the doldrums of necessity into the ether of the finely superfluous? So removed from daily life was the whole experience that when all was rotten to the core, a fine dinner could revive the spirits

But I didn't want to be anyone's green card ticket, meal ticket, cook, washing lady, housemaid, personal masseuse, baby machine, regularly-scheduled-hole in the mattress. Only to end up dead, discarded, buried in a ditch somewhere, dumped into the big, blue sea, all used up. Boys should just stay home and fuck their mothers.

But I think I want to become part of Scotland when I die. In a coffin, you just turn to dust, so I would prefer to be buried in a wicker casket, or in a sheet like the Africans do, so that I actually become part of the earth. I would like a tree to be planted on top of me. And I told my wife Pamela a long time ago the epitaph that I want on my gravestone: Jesus Christ, is that the time already? Failing that, I would like an epitaph in writing so tiny that visitors would have to inch right next to my gravestone to read it. It would say: You're standing on my balls.

Certainly no one on-site asked for my opinion, but I have always felt there should be no leftovers. It's untidy, and it shows a lack of a real workmanlike spirit.

Cowards parade around me calling me weird, calling me paranoid then, calling me for help.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Dennis, please. I don't know what-" "Shut the fuck up, and stop playing me for an idiot. And secondly, and more importantly, I've unearthed some disturbing information about you which I want to discuss in more detail before I fill you with holes.

Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

Decît o casă goală, mai bine una plină de duşmani!

Daddy is jive talking and showering the stripper Mommy is sleepwalking while changing baby's diaper

DECAPITATION. I simply love the word. Head over heels.

Do I look like a shallow Summer girl to you?' She tossed her silver hair, offended. 'I’m a Winter Court royal. I kill silly Summer flowerlets with frost when I yawn.

Everything's just fucking Disney with you.

Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!

...do you have someone you can stay with? Hell, stay with your mother. The Pentagon doesn’t have the security system she’s got.” I really would rather die. “I’m not putting my mother in the path of a serial killer. Thanks for the thought.” “God help the serial killer who tackles your mother,” Riordan muttered.

Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not?

(Eve)"Hold on. You have to give them a gift for moving?" "Uh-huh. Plus they're shacking, so it should be a couple thing." She (Mavis) ate another canape, fed on to Leonardo. "Why does there have to be a gift for every damn thing?" Eve complained. "Retail conspiracy." Roarke patter her knee. "I bet it is," Eve said darkly. "I just bet it is.

Ever since I saw you”—she pulled me closer and draped both of my legs over her shoulders. Her eyes blazed with hunger—“I have just wanted to eat you up.

Everything is the Matrix, Nihilism is awesome, stay woke, fuck formalism, kill yourself.

Francis Ford Coppola - A man climbs a mountain and they call him a hero. I climb mountains that aren't even there.

From the start he'd sworn to himself that the job would never make him callous. But here he was, annoyed at someone for having the gall to get murdered when he had other plans.

From his vantage, three steps back and to the right, Tallow could see Rosato's eye a good five inches outside Rosato's head and still attached to his eye socket by a mess of red worms. In that single second, Tallow abstractedly realized that in his last moment of life, James Rosato could see his killer from two different angles.

Fucking the president’s face in front of everyone made it very clear who was in charge now.

Fuck. He thought quietly to himself. Death is going to kill me. Ha. Unintentional dark humor was always the best humor.

He knew his parents were liars. He’d known since the day he’d found his brother’s dead body stuffed inside a suitcase.

He comes. And he comes loaded with noise pollution. If I ever prayed for anything, it was for a man to shut up.

He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?” “You knew about the guy threatening my dad?” He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?” “Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.

He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.

Holly had married him: well, well. I wished I were under the wheels of the train.

Howie cleared his throat. “Man, are you sure about this? What if the whole thing was just an accident? Like, what if it was just two people out in the field? Like, having sex and stuff? And she hits her head or has a heart attack or something and the guy is scared, so he runs away.” “And what? Accidentally cuts off three fingers postmortem? ‘Oops, oh, no, my girlfriend just died! Clumsy me, in trying to perform CPR, I chopped off some fingers! Guess I’ll take them with me…. Oh, darn, where did that middle finger go?

How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there?

How long have you known about Big Bolliger?” “Weeks. We’re going to be short-staffed. That reminds me, let Rojakke go.” “Why? There’s no one like him at the tables.” “Lots of sobs know their way around a deck of cards. Rojakke is a little too quick. He’s skimming.” “He’s a good dealer, and he has a family to provide for. You could give him a warning, take a finger.” “Then he wouldn’t be a good dealer any more, would he?

How much is real and for how long..

How will it look to everyone at dinner if the servant who left with Amarinda fails to return?" "How will it look if that servant's bandages bleed through and he drips blood on Conner's dinning table?

I am glad to be led by light.

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.

I am girl overboard. But you do make drowning fun.

I am not the worst thing that can happen to you, but I will be the last. ~Caesar~ The Goodbye Man.

I can't get his bones to go down the fucking drain. I try to stuff the tiny holes, too tiny for this pain. I can't get his bones to break any way for my gain. Break them back a little too far, never too far for the sake of sane.

I couldn't tell if this was Tracy's attempt at dark humor, or if the world truly did hold more horrors that I hadn't considered. I needed to think about that one later, I decided, and shelved it in some inner recess of my brain.

...I could feel her burrowing into my heart. I didn't know if the burrowing was like a kitten cuddling up to its mother or if it was like a chigger depositing its larvae underneath the skin of my ankles.

I felt like a punk who’d gone out to buy a switchblade and come home with a small neutron bomb. "Screwed again", I thought. "What good’s a neutron bomb in a streetfight?

I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.

I don't mind it so much when they're fully dead, you understand. Something that's supposed to be dead, and is dead, that's no surprise but there's something about a creature that GOING to be dead but isn't yet, something that KNOWS it's going to be dead and doesn't want to be. I've never liked that.

I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.' 'That's awful,' Ling said when she found her voice again. 'It was awful. I loved those pants.