Best 243 quotes in «dark humor quotes» category

Everything is the Matrix, Nihilism is awesome, stay woke, fuck formalism, kill yourself.

Everything's just fucking Disney with you.

Francis Ford Coppola - A man climbs a mountain and they call him a hero. I climb mountains that aren't even there.

From the start he'd sworn to himself that the job would never make him callous. But here he was, annoyed at someone for having the gall to get murdered when he had other plans.

From his vantage, three steps back and to the right, Tallow could see Rosato's eye a good five inches outside Rosato's head and still attached to his eye socket by a mess of red worms. In that single second, Tallow abstractedly realized that in his last moment of life, James Rosato could see his killer from two different angles.

Fuck. He thought quietly to himself. Death is going to kill me. Ha. Unintentional dark humor was always the best humor.

Fucking the president’s face in front of everyone made it very clear who was in charge now.

He comes. And he comes loaded with noise pollution. If I ever prayed for anything, it was for a man to shut up.

How much is real and for how long..

He knew his parents were liars. He’d known since the day he’d found his brother’s dead body stuffed inside a suitcase.

He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?” “You knew about the guy threatening my dad?” He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?” “Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.

He was a strange mix of Heinrich Himmler and Barney the Dinosaur.

Holly had married him: well, well. I wished I were under the wheels of the train.

How long have you known about Big Bolliger?” “Weeks. We’re going to be short-staffed. That reminds me, let Rojakke go.” “Why? There’s no one like him at the tables.” “Lots of sobs know their way around a deck of cards. Rojakke is a little too quick. He’s skimming.” “He’s a good dealer, and he has a family to provide for. You could give him a warning, take a finger.” “Then he wouldn’t be a good dealer any more, would he?

How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there?

Howie cleared his throat. “Man, are you sure about this? What if the whole thing was just an accident? Like, what if it was just two people out in the field? Like, having sex and stuff? And she hits her head or has a heart attack or something and the guy is scared, so he runs away.” “And what? Accidentally cuts off three fingers postmortem? ‘Oops, oh, no, my girlfriend just died! Clumsy me, in trying to perform CPR, I chopped off some fingers! Guess I’ll take them with me…. Oh, darn, where did that middle finger go?

How will it look to everyone at dinner if the servant who left with Amarinda fails to return?" "How will it look if that servant's bandages bleed through and he drips blood on Conner's dinning table?

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.

I am glad to be led by light.

...I could feel her burrowing into my heart. I didn't know if the burrowing was like a kitten cuddling up to its mother or if it was like a chigger depositing its larvae underneath the skin of my ankles.

I don't mind it so much when they're fully dead, you understand. Something that's supposed to be dead, and is dead, that's no surprise but there's something about a creature that GOING to be dead but isn't yet, something that KNOWS it's going to be dead and doesn't want to be. I've never liked that.

I felt like a punk who’d gone out to buy a switchblade and come home with a small neutron bomb. "Screwed again", I thought. "What good’s a neutron bomb in a streetfight?

I firmly disagree with anyone who says humans are the most advanced, or the most intelligent species on the planet. In fact, only three animals have ever threatened to kill me: humans, their dogs, and a particularly aggressive species of house spider.

If only the morbidly religious cared more about real atrocities, like war, poverty, and sports.

I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.' 'That's awful,' Ling said when she found her voice again. 'It was awful. I loved those pants.

If people realized the great pains I go through to impose such delicious torment on him, they would be more punctilious.

I am girl overboard. But you do make drowning fun.

I am not the worst thing that can happen to you, but I will be the last. ~Caesar~ The Goodbye Man.

I can't get his bones to go down the fucking drain. I try to stuff the tiny holes, too tiny for this pain. I can't get his bones to break any way for my gain. Break them back a little too far, never too far for the sake of sane.

I couldn't tell if this was Tracy's attempt at dark humor, or if the world truly did hold more horrors that I hadn't considered. I needed to think about that one later, I decided, and shelved it in some inner recess of my brain.

If you believe in the eighteenth century view of the mind, you will look and act wimpy. You will think that all you need to do is give people the facts and the figures and they will reach the right conclusion. You will think that all you need to do is point out where their interests lie, and they will act politically to maximize them. You will believe in polling and focus groups: you will believe that if you ask people what their interests are, they will be aware of them and will tell you, and will vote on it. You will not have any need to appeal to emotion---indeed, to do so would be wrong! You will not have to speak of values; facts and figures will suffice. You will not have to change people's brains; their reason should be enough. You will not have to frame the facts; they will speak for themselves. You just have to get the facts to them...

If you have one friend in the end, it better be yourself.

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

If your god is more screwed up than you, then, by Jove, how cuckoo must be you!

If your imaginary buddy 'up there' and his book and ism tell you to hate and kill people of another #faith and #religion, then, this non-existent f****r's mind is as little as his pecker.

I guess all my afternoon beers and burgers were catching up with me, which made me want to scream THEN WHY NOT MY HAIR!?

If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs.

I get diarrhea more often than the average Muslim.

I glanced up at the trees too. Dead. Every one of them gray and white, needles rusted, leaves shriveled at the tips of branches. All the life sucked out of them. Not just the trees. All the plants, ferns, grasses and brush were shriveled, brown, barren. As if a month of winter had set down right here in my driveway and gone on a killing spree. ... "Love what you've done with the landscape," Cody said. "You could open your own business, you know." ... "The hell you talking about, Miller?" I asked Cody. "Yard care. You're poison and weed whacker all in one. You can call it Death to All Shrubbery.

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

I had battled my own demons that day, facing down the thing that imprisoned me since the accident-a scar and the diffidence it created inside of me. But it was just a physical blemish, not something that made me who I am. It took a mentally disturbed murderer who gave me a sneak peak at death to show me that.

I hear they make greeting cards now to thank your therapist... for NOTHING

I have not looked at Carlos since the meeting...Being around him is like walking around with the flu...The need to lie down in a darkened room and let my hatred of him run through me is almost insurmountable.

I love you all - if you are not people!

I love the movie "Titanic." It's my favorite romantic comedy!

I'm afraid it's not nonsense," Genghis said, shaking his turbaned head and continuing his story. "As I was saying before the little girl interrupted me, the baby didn't dash off with the other orphans. She just sat there like a sack of flour. So I walked over to her and gave her a kick to get her moving." "Excellent idea!" Nero said. "What a wonderful story this is! And then what happened?" "Well, at first it seemed like I'd kicked a big hole in the baby," Genghis said, his eyes shining, "which seemed lucky, because Sunny was a terrible athlete and it would have been a blessing to put her out of her misery." Nero clapped his hands. "I know just what you mean, Genghis," he said. "She's a terrible secretary as well." "But she did all that stapling," Mr. Remora protested. "Shut up and let the coach finish his story," Nero said. "But when I looked down," Genghis continued, "I saw that I hadn't kicked a hole in a baby. I'd kicked a hole in a bag of flour! I'd been tricked!" "That's terrible!" Nero cried.

I'm a serious sort of fella. But don't tell me your pal up in the sky exists, and mine does not. Then, my middle finger gets offended! For, my buddy up there nowhere, Mr. NOT, too insists without proof, that he is. Same as your god. Is Mr. NOT nuts? If he is, are you not?

I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

I’m not who you think I am. I’m an actor. Just like all of you. I’m improvising, shooting from the hip. It’s all a lie. I’m a lie. You’re a lie. The lights—they don’t lie. But when they shine, they only tell half the story.