Best 180 quotes of Evan Esar on MyQuotes

A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea.

A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.

A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening.

About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.

A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit.

A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.

A corporation has all the powers and privileges of an individual: all it lacks is a conscience.

A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a cat.

A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.

Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.

After paying for the wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride.

A girl never cares who casts the first stone at her -- as long as it's a diamond

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.

A home in the country is what a city man hopes to buy and a farmer hopes to sell.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.

A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone.

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.

All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise.

All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.

A man doesn't have vacation problems: his boss tells him when to take them, and his wife tells him where.

A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss.

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming.

A word to the wise is -- unnecessary.

Bureaucracy is more people doing less things, and taking more time to do them worse.

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

Children grow out of childhood, but parents never grow out of parenthood.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.