Best 151 quotes of Norm Macdonald on MyQuotes

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

A proper disposition of time leaves a man at leisure in the very bustle of affairs; without delaying the attention of his concerns to the last or giving them unnecessary application at first: it affords a season for everything by affording everything its proper season.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

Few people love with the violence they hate.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.

Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate [in] many privations and disappointments.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you're dead.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.

I have a little bit of an out-of-body experience where I enjoy the scenario, and I really do like seeing a crowd turn into a mob, and I do nothing to stop it. People can become really dangerous.

I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.