Best 106 quotes of Aziz Ansari on MyQuotes

Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig.

After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it’ll flop. And that’s when I really take a hard look at myself and say: "Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it’s talking about.

Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians?

Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes.

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'

I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.

I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank.

If it's possible, I binge. There are other shows, like 'The Americans' and 'Game of Thrones,' I watch and have to wait a week.

If someone writes something shitty and you actually address them, most of the time they're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a big fan." And they're really nice people. When you're on the Internet, it's people's first instinct to just go after people.

If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody.

If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work.

If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights.

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it.

I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat.

I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff.

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero.

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.

I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else.

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.

I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing.

I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour.

I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with, or work with. That's such a blessing. You actually get to see them all the time and spend time with them.

I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality.

I never had the desire to be a professional Twitterer. Every now and then something dumb pops into my head and I'll tweet it. I don't feel any obligation to respond to everyone. Not that I don't appreciate people sending me messages on there, but there are too many. Responding to everyone would take away time for all the stuff I'm actually in the business for.

Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.

In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago.

I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading.

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What's hot, DJ Roomba!

I talk about stuff like my Blackberry, Lost, the internet, music, etc. so I guess that leads to the "nerd" moniker. But I don't get it that much to be honest. I guess its better than being labeled a "racist" comedian.

It can take a few months to get a new 10 minutes. Usually it takes like 10 times of repeatedly trying different variations of a joke until I land on one I think is really good.

I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and I'm like 'Oh what's going on here? Is this a really big ring?'

It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.

It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.

I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer.

I've never done online dating.