Best 72 quotes of Bill Bailey on MyQuotes

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

Contentment is knowing you're right

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I try to appreciate the simple things. I've just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?