Best 220 quotes of Dov Davidoff on MyQuotes

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.