Best 117 quotes of Adam Carolla on MyQuotes

Adam Carolla

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    Adam Carolla

    All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

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    Adam Carolla

    All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

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    Adam Carolla

    A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

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    Adam Carolla

    A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.

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    Adam Carolla

    As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

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    Adam Carolla

    California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

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    Adam Carolla

    Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

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    Adam Carolla

    Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

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    Adam Carolla

    Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

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    Adam Carolla

    Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

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    Adam Carolla

    Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

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    Adam Carolla

    [Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

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    Adam Carolla

    Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

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    Adam Carolla

    He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

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    Adam Carolla

    Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

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    Adam Carolla

    I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera - sort of low-key. I don't like being on camera stuff that much. I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader. Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show.

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    Adam Carolla

    I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

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    Adam Carolla

    I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

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    Adam Carolla

    I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

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    Adam Carolla

    I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

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    Adam Carolla

    I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

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    Adam Carolla

    I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

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    Adam Carolla

    If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

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    Adam Carolla

    If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

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    Adam Carolla

    If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

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    Adam Carolla

    If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

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    Adam Carolla

    If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

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    Adam Carolla

    If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

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    Adam Carolla

    If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

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    Adam Carolla

    If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

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    Adam Carolla

    If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

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    Adam Carolla

    I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

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    Adam Carolla

    I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

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    Adam Carolla

    I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

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    Adam Carolla

    I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

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    Adam Carolla

    I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

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    Adam Carolla

    I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

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    Adam Carolla

    I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses. I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like - there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.

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    Adam Carolla

    I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

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    Adam Carolla

    I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

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    Adam Carolla

    I'm a comedian, not a politician.

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    Adam Carolla

    I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

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    Adam Carolla

    I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

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    Adam Carolla

    I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.