Best 69 quotes of Paula Poundstone on MyQuotes

Paula Poundstone

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I confess that when I first read that smog is particularly hazardous to children, senior citizens, and physically active people, for a brief moment I thought, “I’m in the clear for at least 10 more years.”

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church -- I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I made mistakes and I broke the law and I'm more than willing to pay a price for that. But there's a price beyond that that my children have paid, and that's not what was supposed to happen.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile saying ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, 'Well, dammit, we can't have nice things.'

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

  • By Anonym
    Paula Poundstone

    My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.