Best 58 quotes of Tim Vine on MyQuotes

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".