Best 89 quotes of Fred Allen on MyQuotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.

He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.

He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue.

I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.