Best 569 quotes of David Letterman on MyQuotes

David Letterman

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    David Letterman

    About half an hour before air time - that's when I become hyper. I put everything else out of my mind and just let that nervous energy surge through my body. I start talking faster and louder. My confidence comes up. It's actually a great feeling.

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    David Letterman

    According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

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    David Letterman

    According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

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    David Letterman

    According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

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    David Letterman

    After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

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    David Letterman

    A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

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    David Letterman

    Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

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    David Letterman

    Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.

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    David Letterman

    All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.

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    David Letterman

    A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

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    David Letterman

    A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

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    David Letterman

    A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

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    David Letterman

    America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

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    David Letterman

    An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

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    David Letterman

    And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.

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    David Letterman

    And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

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    David Letterman

    And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.

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    David Letterman

    A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.

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    David Letterman

    An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.

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    David Letterman

    Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.

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    David Letterman

    A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

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    David Letterman

    Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

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    David Letterman

    A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.

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    David Letterman

    Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

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    David Letterman

    Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

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    David Letterman

    Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.

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    David Letterman

    Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.

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    David Letterman

    Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.

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    David Letterman

    Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.

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    David Letterman

    Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

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    David Letterman

    Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'

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    David Letterman

    As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

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    David Letterman

    As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.

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    David Letterman

    At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

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    David Letterman

    At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

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    David Letterman

    Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

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    David Letterman

    Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.

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    David Letterman

    Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.

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    David Letterman

    Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

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    David Letterman

    Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

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    David Letterman

    Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

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    David Letterman

    Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this back together?' And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won't be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

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    David Letterman

    Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.

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    David Letterman

    Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.

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    David Letterman

    BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

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    David Letterman

    Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

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    David Letterman

    Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

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    David Letterman

    Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

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    David Letterman

    Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'

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    David Letterman

    But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'