Best 207 quotes of Andy Rooney on MyQuotes

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the I've learned ... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Before a kid learns how to use a computer that can solve mathematical problems, he or she should know how to do arithmetic without a computer.

Being kind is more important than being right.

Believing is such a comfort that it's hard to give up a belief just because it isn't true.

By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they'll be okay if they're left alone.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don't use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don't have much interest in the information. I'm the opposite.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Every one starts out being an atheist.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

Finding the tool is often half the battle.

Flying is always an unpleasant experience. You wait an hour for every ten minutes you actually spend getting anywhere.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.

Great teachers are usually a little crazy.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?

I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who suggest they like our country more than I do. Some people's idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

I'd like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off

I'd like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there's something going on in mathematics that I don't understand, and I'd like to find out what it is.