Best 306 quotes of Erma Bombeck on MyQuotes

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.

Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.

He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures... but he was never in them.

He who laughs.....lasts.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.