Best 150 quotes of Karl Pilkington on MyQuotes

A dog has got human eyes.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.

Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.

I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.

I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.

I am pessimistic, I think that's the best way to be, because if you're always expecting the best - the best doesn't always happen. Nine times out of 10 it doesn't. I'm surprised when things go smoothly. I don't know what's wrong with being pessimistic - unless you are such a pessimist that you don't do anything.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

I came up with a good idea... see-through skin.

I could eat a knob at night.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost, even in Wales.

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

I don't want to go about offending people, that's not my plan.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.

If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu, cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book.'

I'm a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, "I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be", then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll be thinking, "I shouldn't be here!