Best 215 quotes of Dana Gould on MyQuotes

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.