Best 143 quotes in «sarcastic humor quotes» category

I stare at the water. He stares at me. I can feel his gaze burning into my face, and I shift my head again, smiling wryly. “Let’s hear it.” “Hear what?” “Some more lies. You know, how last night was just you doing me a favor, you don’t really want me, yada, yada.” I wave my hand. To my surprise, he laughs. “Oh my God. Was that a laugh? Reed Royal laughs, folks. Someone call the Vatican because an honest-to-God miracle has occurred.” That gets me another chuckle. “You’re so annoying,” he grumbles. “Yeah, but you still like me.” He goes quiet. I think he’s going to stay that way, but then he curses under his breath and says, “Yeah, maybe I do.” I feign amazement. “Two miracles in one night? Is the world ending?

Italian to the core, he did not for an instant doubt that a man could be passionately devoted to the wife he betrayed with other women.

It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.

It’s a sad state of affairs when I’m the one bringing sanity to the equation

It’s like a jolt of electricity, but worse.

it seems politicians projected the powerful brand called Ambedkar, rather than his ideologies. Like the ad says 'name is enough.

Ivy’s taken me to her parent’s house... I was originally lured into her car with the promise of a burrito. Ivy did not mention going to her parent’s house at all. She had only said, “Hop in Jane, we’re getting burritos.” Blinded by my affection for burritos, I jumped into the car like an unwitting pig on its way to a slaughterhouse.

It's not that we have more patience as we grow older, it's just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama

I've lived my life devoid of the whole teenage angst for so long, I'm not sure I can handle all this. I'm not built dor it.

I wanted a real diary, but there wasn't time to visit a stationery store, so instead I ran down to Thrift Drug and got you. According to your cover, you're an 'Official Popeye the Sailor Spiral-Bound Notebook, copyright © 1959 King Features Syndicate.' When I look into your wizened face, Popeye, I know you're a man I can trust.

I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.

Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT" your next door neighbor to see if they were okay

I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.

I won’t leave you. What if you have another contraction? What if your water breaks and they rush you into the delivery room? What if there are complications?” He asked hoarsely, his eyes dilating more with each anxious question. And Theresa rolled her eyes in exasperation. “I doubt any of those things will happen in the two minutes it would take you to leave the room and get a cup of coffee, Sandro,” she sighed impatiently.

I was speechless. Which is, as you know, very rare.

Jaime, dear, forgive me, but I don't think you are man enough to take care of my Cass. She's a special kind of difficult.

Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.

Life is a bitch. Not even the bitch that fucks everyone but you. She's the bitch with AIDS that doesn't want to fuck anyone but you.

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it.

Monsignor Montan-n-nelli... is undoubtedly all you say, my dear doctor. In fact, he appears to be so much too good for this world that he ought to be politely escorted into the next.

Mr. Fogg accordingly tasted the dish, but, despite its spiced sauce, found it far from palatable. He rang for the landlord, and, on his appearance, said, fixing his clear eyes upon him, "Is this rabbit, sir?" "Yes, my lord," the rogue boldly replied, "rabbit from the jungles." "And this rabbit did not mew when he was killed?" "Mew, my lord! What, a rabbit mew! I swear to you—" "Be so good, landlord, as not to swear, but remember this: cats were formerly considered, in India, as sacred animals. That was a good time." "For the cats, my lord?" "Perhaps for the travellers as well!

My instincts told me that death would somehow be…different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It sure seemed like the usual voice inside my head. Thank God there was only one of them.

Newman!!!

No one plows the field just by thinking about it.

Or, I could just sit in the bushes and pump the hand pump until the plumbing was superpressurized to 110 psi. This way, when someone goes to flush a toilet, the toilet tank will explode. At 150 psi, if someone turns on the shower, the water pressure will blow off the shower head, strip the threads, blam, the shower head turns into a mortar shell. Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss. Besides, I'm enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style behavior.

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife.

...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.

Perhaps the most surprising and powerful aspect of place-value arithmetic is how it reduces any calculation to a set of purely abstract symbolic manipulations. In principle, I suppose, one could even be trained to perform such symbol-jiggling procedures without any comprehension whatever of the underlying meaning. We could even (if we can possible imagine being so cruel) force young children to memorize tables of symbols and meaningless step-by-step procedures, and then reward or punish them for their skill (or lack thereof) in this dreary and soulless activity. This would help protect our future office workers from accidentally gaining a personal relationship to arithmetic as a craft or enjoying the perspective that outlook would provide. We could turn the entire enterprise into a rote mechanical process and then reward those who show the most willingness to be made into reliable and obedient tools. I wonder if you can imagine such a nightmarish, dystopian world? Let's try not to think about it.

Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools.

See, that’s just it…You shouldn’t even know sayings like that,” I griped. “It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the way—I’m the village idiot.’?

Seriously, Palta…” He was honestly puzzled, “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?” “Um…You’d have to be blind to miss them,” I replied sarcastically. “If you’re not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them.

My cock actually sort of staggers like a punch-drunk boxer who doesn’t know when to stay down.

My life is worth living said the Scorpion and showed his sting.

Never trust your colleagues. Work politics are founded by them.

Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack

No, Paige. I am trying to help you.” “Go to hell.” “I already exist on a level of hell.” “Exist on one that isn't near mine.

Oh. Sure. It makes perfect sense. Zane is a wolf because his father is an eagle.

She might have been a for­tune hunter, you know." "Not an es­pe­cially good one." War­ren laughed. "I have no for­tune." "But you will one day." Daniel shook his head. "It's never too soon to take pre­cau­tions." "Ah yes. Lord save me from lovely young women.

She bared her teeth at me. “Screw you, shifter!” “Ah, is our honeymoon period over so quickly? You wanted to jump my bones just a second ago.

Sleep? That's a luxury I can't afford. I simply have too much to do. Besides, I'll get plenty of sleep when I'm dead!

Smile for the Camera. What the hell for? I asked. It's staring at me, and it's kinda creepy.

Smile for the Camera. "What the hell for? I answered. "It's staring me, and it's really creepy.

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.

Sorry, we took so long. I had a lot to pack.' 'I’m sure you did. I hope you packed it well,' he smiled coyly.

So, there I was, encased in about ten feet of cement, and walled into the basement of Ahab's coffee shop. Being buried alive was just about as much fun as you would think. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, couldn't move. My skin ached...

Stop teasing me, doc. You haven't got the tits for it.

Take care with the words you speak, it's best to keep them sweet..... because you never know when you might have to eat them!

The great thing about the Internet isn't that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply that you can log on to jcpenney.com from anywhere and order fresh underwear immediately after seeing your life flash before your eyes.

The cleanest civilization I’ve ever seen…and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt?