Best 143 quotes in «sarcastic humor quotes» category

Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I guess. Or because I’m the cat curiosity is scheduled to kill in approximately six hours.

Behold the conquering hero, Otoku murmured, dashing off to war with his favorite doll.

...bravo...' Mister Kindly said,'..if only I had hands to applaud..' Mia smacked her backside. 'I'd settle for lips to kiss my sweet behind. '...I would have to find it first...' Arses are like fine wine, Mister Kindly. Better too little than too much. ' ...a beauty and a philosopher. be still my beating heart...' The not-cat looked down at its translucent chest '...O,wait...

Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one, A few feet of cold earth, when life is done; A stone at the head, a stone at the feet, A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat; Rank grass over head, and damp clay around, Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground!

Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?" "Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute." "And you're sloppy in love with her." "Pitifully.

But you know as well as I do that anger won’t solve anything.” “I beg to differ,” he shrugged. “Anger can be quite rewarding…at least for those of us who have the option of blasting our enemies to oblivion.

… but as even the stupidest toddler knows, covering your eyes makes you invisible.

Does this mean we can eat pie today?" Easton asked. Riley let out a snorting laugh. "I know someone who will be." Nice.

Don’t be so concerned,” he whispered. “We will get through this, I promise.” “What makes you so certain?” I couldn’t help my skepticism. “We have no other choice,” he replied matter-of-factly. “Is that really all you can come up with?” I scowled. “Couldn’t you just lie and tell me you have some kind of secret badass weapon that is going to make this a piece of cake?

Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster

Don't you have any desire for vengeance?" he asked before he remembered that she wasn't Italian.

Doubt you’d find anyone as dashingly charming as me

..each ministry has an allocation of money to spend on projects agreed to by the government. Every Secretary of State is acutely aware that his tenure of office maybe very short, so he picks out a major contract for himself from the many available. It's the one way to ensure a pension for life if the government is changed overnight or the minister simply loses his job.

Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.

...but, dear me, let us be elegant or die.

Everyone has bad days...'my Dear MIDDLE FINGER, Thanks for sticking up for me!

Every single person I've seen in the past few days asks me about the Leg. How is it? How's the Leg? The Leg is attached. Thanks for asking. There's The Leg right there. It's on display, always outside of the sheets and blanket, although the whole thing is still so wrapped up it looks like I borrowed The Leg from some ancient Egyptian mummy. How's The Leg? It seems a bit mummyish, thanks.

Every woman is beautiful, but not every woman has someone to tell her that.

Father never went into depth about what happened if I woke up, unable to remember how I’d died, but most definitely in the hands of those not selected to have s’mores and sleepovers for all of eternity.

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit.

Grey sat in his bedchamber, unshaven and attired in his nightshirt, banyan, and slippers, drinking tea and debating with himself whether the authoritative benefits conferred by wearing his uniform outweighed the possible consequences - both sartorial and social - of wearing it into the slumps of London to inspect a three-day-old corpse.

Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.' 'They didn't!' 'They did.' 'When?' 'Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds.

He'd rather be in Camelot. With Morgen, tied to her throne. Naked and declawed. Muzzled even.

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: “You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don’t know how many times my hat can.

Hooray for me, I’m so very lucky. Not only do I have the biggest piece of cake, it’s a corner piece with a sugar-paste flower on top, and everyone else is sick with envy.

how tall is it?" [The Harps] "according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together" "Pretty big, then

Hey!” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show” “So do I” Max admitted. “I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added. Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

I am not mean I am just sarcastically humorous

I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize worth when you see it.

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?

Have you caught cold?' 'It would appear so.' 'You could give it to Margaret,' Ramses suggested. His uncle turned the tinted spectacles toward him and then, unexpectedly, bust into laughter. 'What a charming idea. Will you aid and abet me when I catch her in a close embrace and breathe heavily on her?

I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours…” he teased. “I assure you I haven’t taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or—” “Plushophilia?” I tagged on. “Excuse me?…” came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction. “An obsession with stuffed animals,” I clarified. “I mean, you are a young one…” “Where did you come up with that?” He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. “Is that even a real word?” “I’m a doctor, I know these things,” I shrugged.

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?" "Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too.

I do.” He was clearly amused by my disdain. “We have only been speaking for two minutes, Paige. Try not to waste all your sarcasm in one breath.

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself.

I don't usually tell people to go to hell, but when I do I'm happy to give directions.

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything.

I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't.

I’d venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes.

I know the power of speech. I don't talk much.

I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch

In fact this bad baronet died true to the conditions of his kind--mysteriously in his library, at midnight, while a great deal of snow was falling.

I noticed that. And if you ever lay your head on my back again while your riding bitch I'll throw you into traffic. ~Woody Stevens - John Travolta - Wild Hogs

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo’s presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions.

I really have to befriend this asshole?” I whispered harshly to Dilmore “Yep.” “Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell.

I didn’t intend it to come out sarcastically, but I guess that’s just where my tone of voice automatically goes these days.

If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker.

If this constant bitter disappointment was love, then I was perfectly fine not to have anything to do with it.

If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses. Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible. You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it!