Best 143 quotes in «sarcastic humor quotes» category

Every woman is beautiful, but not every woman has someone to tell her that.

Father never went into depth about what happened if I woke up, unable to remember how I’d died, but most definitely in the hands of those not selected to have s’mores and sleepovers for all of eternity.

Grey sat in his bedchamber, unshaven and attired in his nightshirt, banyan, and slippers, drinking tea and debating with himself whether the authoritative benefits conferred by wearing his uniform outweighed the possible consequences - both sartorial and social - of wearing it into the slumps of London to inspect a three-day-old corpse.

Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.' 'They didn't!' 'They did.' 'When?' 'Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds.

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit.

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: “You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don’t know how many times my hat can.

Hey!” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show” “So do I” Max admitted. “I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added. Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

Have you caught cold?' 'It would appear so.' 'You could give it to Margaret,' Ramses suggested. His uncle turned the tinted spectacles toward him and then, unexpectedly, bust into laughter. 'What a charming idea. Will you aid and abet me when I catch her in a close embrace and breathe heavily on her?

He'd rather be in Camelot. With Morgen, tied to her throne. Naked and declawed. Muzzled even.

Hooray for me, I’m so very lucky. Not only do I have the biggest piece of cake, it’s a corner piece with a sugar-paste flower on top, and everyone else is sick with envy.

I am not mean I am just sarcastically humorous

how tall is it?" [The Harps] "according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together" "Pretty big, then

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?

I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize worth when you see it.

I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours…” he teased. “I assure you I haven’t taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or—” “Plushophilia?” I tagged on. “Excuse me?…” came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction. “An obsession with stuffed animals,” I clarified. “I mean, you are a young one…” “Where did you come up with that?” He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. “Is that even a real word?” “I’m a doctor, I know these things,” I shrugged.

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself.

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything.

I do.” He was clearly amused by my disdain. “We have only been speaking for two minutes, Paige. Try not to waste all your sarcasm in one breath.

I don't usually tell people to go to hell, but when I do I'm happy to give directions.

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?" "Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too.

I didn’t intend it to come out sarcastically, but I guess that’s just where my tone of voice automatically goes these days.

I'd tell you nice try, but... it wasn't.

I’d venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes.

If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker.

If you are a writer and you write/understand sarcasm please be thankful to the government and the masses. Without their hard work and supreme idiotism it wouldn't have been possible. You owe them the brutal sarcasm, they've earned it!

If this constant bitter disappointment was love, then I was perfectly fine not to have anything to do with it.

I never allow myself to be influenced in the smallest degree either by atmospheric disturbances or by the arbitrary divisions of what is known as Time. I would willingly reintroduce to society the opium pipe of China or the Malayan kriss, but I am wholly and entirely without instruction in those infinitely more per-nicious (besides being quite bleakly bourgeois) implements, the umbrella and the watch.

I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch

I know the power of speech. I don't talk much.

I’m not familiar with this word you were repeating before…‘cojones’, was it?” I blushed as Dominick patted me on the back. “Way to introduce him to the vernacular, Palta.

In fact this bad baronet died true to the conditions of his kind--mysteriously in his library, at midnight, while a great deal of snow was falling.

In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo’s presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions.

Italian to the core, he did not for an instant doubt that a man could be passionately devoted to the wife he betrayed with other women.

It's not that we have more patience as we grow older, it's just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama

I've lived my life devoid of the whole teenage angst for so long, I'm not sure I can handle all this. I'm not built dor it.

Ivy’s taken me to her parent’s house... I was originally lured into her car with the promise of a burrito. Ivy did not mention going to her parent’s house at all. She had only said, “Hop in Jane, we’re getting burritos.” Blinded by my affection for burritos, I jumped into the car like an unwitting pig on its way to a slaughterhouse.

I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.

I wish I could say I’m low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life…like a toothbrush.

Jaime, dear, forgive me, but I don't think you are man enough to take care of my Cass. She's a special kind of difficult.

Kidnapped by a vampire, death by a squid. How tragic.

Life is a bitch. Not even the bitch that fucks everyone but you. She's the bitch with AIDS that doesn't want to fuck anyone but you.

Look at the world and think about a catastrophic disaster where the cell phone towers went dead. How would you ever be able to 'TEXT" your next door neighbor to see if they were okay

Mr. Fogg accordingly tasted the dish, but, despite its spiced sauce, found it far from palatable. He rang for the landlord, and, on his appearance, said, fixing his clear eyes upon him, "Is this rabbit, sir?" "Yes, my lord," the rogue boldly replied, "rabbit from the jungles." "And this rabbit did not mew when he was killed?" "Mew, my lord! What, a rabbit mew! I swear to you—" "Be so good, landlord, as not to swear, but remember this: cats were formerly considered, in India, as sacred animals. That was a good time." "For the cats, my lord?" "Perhaps for the travellers as well!

Newman!!!

I noticed that. And if you ever lay your head on my back again while your riding bitch I'll throw you into traffic. ~Woody Stevens - John Travolta - Wild Hogs

I really have to befriend this asshole?” I whispered harshly to Dilmore “Yep.” “Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell.

I stare at the water. He stares at me. I can feel his gaze burning into my face, and I shift my head again, smiling wryly. “Let’s hear it.” “Hear what?” “Some more lies. You know, how last night was just you doing me a favor, you don’t really want me, yada, yada.” I wave my hand. To my surprise, he laughs. “Oh my God. Was that a laugh? Reed Royal laughs, folks. Someone call the Vatican because an honest-to-God miracle has occurred.” That gets me another chuckle. “You’re so annoying,” he grumbles. “Yeah, but you still like me.” He goes quiet. I think he’s going to stay that way, but then he curses under his breath and says, “Yeah, maybe I do.” I feign amazement. “Two miracles in one night? Is the world ending?

It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.

It’s a sad state of affairs when I’m the one bringing sanity to the equation