Best 143 quotes in «sarcastic humor quotes» category

Perhaps the most surprising and powerful aspect of place-value arithmetic is how it reduces any calculation to a set of purely abstract symbolic manipulations. In principle, I suppose, one could even be trained to perform such symbol-jiggling procedures without any comprehension whatever of the underlying meaning. We could even (if we can possible imagine being so cruel) force young children to memorize tables of symbols and meaningless step-by-step procedures, and then reward or punish them for their skill (or lack thereof) in this dreary and soulless activity. This would help protect our future office workers from accidentally gaining a personal relationship to arithmetic as a craft or enjoying the perspective that outlook would provide. We could turn the entire enterprise into a rote mechanical process and then reward those who show the most willingness to be made into reliable and obedient tools. I wonder if you can imagine such a nightmarish, dystopian world? Let's try not to think about it.

Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools.

See, that’s just it…You shouldn’t even know sayings like that,” I griped. “It takes normal people years to pick up on all those little phrases. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel, when I can’t even say ‘Hello, my name is Palta…Oh, and by the way—I’m the village idiot.’?

Sleep? That's a luxury I can't afford. I simply have too much to do. Besides, I'll get plenty of sleep when I'm dead!

Seriously, Palta…” He was honestly puzzled, “I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?” “Um…You’d have to be blind to miss them,” I replied sarcastically. “If you’re not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them.

She bared her teeth at me. “Screw you, shifter!” “Ah, is our honeymoon period over so quickly? You wanted to jump my bones just a second ago.

She might have been a for­tune hunter, you know." "Not an es­pe­cially good one." War­ren laughed. "I have no for­tune." "But you will one day." Daniel shook his head. "It's never too soon to take pre­cau­tions." "Ah yes. Lord save me from lovely young women.

Smile for the Camera. What the hell for? I asked. It's staring at me, and it's kinda creepy.

Smile for the Camera. "What the hell for? I answered. "It's staring me, and it's really creepy.

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.

The great thing about the Internet isn't that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply that you can log on to jcpenney.com from anywhere and order fresh underwear immediately after seeing your life flash before your eyes.

So, there I was, encased in about ten feet of cement, and walled into the basement of Ahab's coffee shop. Being buried alive was just about as much fun as you would think. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, couldn't move. My skin ached...

Stop teasing me, doc. You haven't got the tits for it.

Take care with the words you speak, it's best to keep them sweet..... because you never know when you might have to eat them!

Sorry, we took so long. I had a lot to pack.' 'I’m sure you did. I hope you packed it well,' he smiled coyly.

The cleanest civilization I’ve ever seen…and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt?

The Healing spells on his chest were certainly earning their keep tonight. Sullivan got to his feet. The lack of noise from the courtyard indicated that his team had gotten all the mechanical men. “Thanks.” Toru just grunted a noncommittal response as he lifted the feed tray to check the condition of his borrowed machine gun. They didn’t see the final robot inside until it turned on its eye and illuminated the Iron Guard in blue light. Sullivan’s Spike reversed gravity, and the gigantic machine fell upward to hit the steel beams in the ceiling. Sullivan cut his Power and the robot dropped. It crashed hard into the floor where it lay twitching and kicking. The two of them riddled the mechanical man with bullets until the light died and it lay still in a spreading puddle of oil. “Normally, this would be the part where you thank me for returning the favor and saving your life.” “Yes. Normally… If we were court ladies instead of warriors,” Toru answered. “Shall we continue onward or do you wish to stop and discuss your feelings over tea?” Sullivan looked forward to the day that the two of them would be able to finish their fight. “Let’s go.

The jury returned with a verdict of "Don't ask me, I wasn't there," and was excused.

Those of you who agree with me, raise your hands... on those who don't!

The TARDIS can look like whatever it wants.

There is a gay agenda?" he asked. "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two." "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock. "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live.

There’s an empty seat next to me in the ‘intensely aggravating’ section…and it’s got your name on it

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

Two hotheads traveling together through dangerous territory. Nothing disastrous about that combination. No, not at all.

unsettling, like seeing Stalin on a skateboard.

Vorrei chiederle se ha iniziato solo questa sera ad abusare di superlativi, se ha già pensato a come curarsi.

What is it with people wanting to kill me lately? I’m starting to take it personally.

Walang matibay na relasyon kung buhay pa ang mga Kalapating mababa ang lipad...

Want some help with help with that stick in your ass, love?" "No. It's quite comfortable, thank you." "It should be. It's been in there for years." Nix winked at Will. "I hope you'll forgive my wife. She's a bit antisocial." "And water's a bit wet.

Wes sat in a cracked vinyl booth picking at his fries and listening to Amanda go on and on about the dress she'd found. '...and it has these little lavender bows. Oh, Wes, I can't wait 'til you see it.' She gesticulated wildly, and her only saving grace right now was her amazing rack that swayed and bounced with each movement. Sometimes he swore that was the only reason he ever looked crosswise at Amanda Price. That, and her daddy's checkbook. 'And I found these shoes--" 'Uh huh, that's nice,' he cut her off and slid free from the booth. He held out his hand. 'Got the card?' He waved the bill in the air at her questioning gaze. Was she a little cross-eyed, maybe? He thought so.

When friends become overfriendly - smell fish!

Yeah, sure,” I scoffed. “You’re the picture of respectability and moral character…You expect me to believe you were your parents’ worst nightmare? What was your criminal act of choice—drunken bar fights? Or maybe grand theft auto? Don’t tell me you sold the crown jewels to buy drugs…It’s so disappointingly cliché.

When I venture to point out the unfairness of this, I am reminded of the second item on my list. Apparently the only acceptable destiny for a young female mem​b​er of the house of Windsor is to marry into another of the royal houses that still seem to litter Europe, even though there are precious few reigning monarchs these days. it seems that even a very minor Windsor like myself is a desirable commodity for those wishing a tenuous alliance with Britain at this unsettled time. I am constantly being reminded that is is my duty to make a good match with some half-lunatic, buck-toothed, chinless, spinele​s​s​​​, and utterly awful European royal, thus cementing ties with a potential enemy. My cousin Alex did this, poor thing. I have learned from her tragic example.

Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief.

While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops

Whoosh! went the bluebird of sarcasm, zooming miles above Dale’s head.

Why do people who so obviously hate children have so many of them? Audrey asked...Because they hate everyone else more. Their bratty kids are their revenge on a society that has denied them the riches they so rightly deserve.

Will you accept me?" Fury "No. I'm here naked with you because all my clothes fell off by accident and I can't find them." Angelia "You're a sarcastic little critter, aren't you?" Fury "I learned it from you." Angelia

Women strive to be the change they want to see in the mirror.

You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don’t you?” I shook my head with a smirk. He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze. “It’s an expression,” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me you aren’t familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants.” “You have quite a repertoire of ‘pants’ references, don’t you?

You better learn to regulate your perspiration. This is not collision theft. To flush is a sign that you’re hard at work. Nobody works hard riding the tram—not even the driver.

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

You're a big, lovable teddy bear.

A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder.

You're going on a date with the devil. All you need is some pepper spray and a fire extinguisher.

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.

140characters is twitter's simple way of saying 'know your limits

A full glass of patience with a pinch of sarcasm is all you need to deal~

Ah yes…” He made an exaggerated nod. “I was supposed to be filling you in on Nangí’s story.” He winked at me playfully, as I kept up my glare. “Now, where should I begin?” “Tell you what, let me get you started,” I came back. “Once upon a time, there was this über-creepy old man—who looks like he lives in a haunted shack and eats small children for breakfast—and I decided to make him my new best friend becaaauuse… Okay, your turn.