Best 703 quotes of Woody Allen on MyQuotes

90% of success in life is showing up

A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.

Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All i have in my life is my imagination

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

All over the world, relationships between men and women are very, very tricky and very difficult and you don't learn anything. It's not an exact science, so you can't learn anything. You're always going by instinct and your instinct betrays you because you want what you want when you want it.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

American films, it's a money-making industry. And in France, you can find great respect for cinema as art.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

As an artist, you are always striving toward an ultimate achievement but never seem to reach it. You shoot a film, and the result could have always been better. You try again, and fail once more. In some ways I find it enjoyable. You never lose sight of your goal. I don’t do my job to make money or to break box office records, I simply try things out. What would happen if I were to achieve perfection at some point? What would I do then?

As I've gotten older, the parts have diminished. I liked it when I was younger, I could always play the lead in the movie and I could do all the romantic scenes with the women, and it was fun and I liked to play that. Now, I'm older and I'm reduced to playing the backstage doorman or the uncle or something. I don't really love that so occasionally, when a part comes up, I'll play it.

A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.

As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it's always the content dictating the form.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

"Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'.

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.